Its Been Awhile

I haven't done this in awhile. I don't know if I should even do this now. I have just found myself in an extremely dark place recently and the last time I found myself here I started this. I know what I want to write about, but I don't know how. I don't know how to be open like I used to be, I feel like that has been taken away from me.

Positive thinking is what gets me by now-a-days. Being absolutely optimistic is the only way to make it through the day. I guess I'm just here to vent a little.

I am a server at a restaurant in Tyson's Corner. I enjoy working there. I mean I'd love to publicly say my real feelings about it, but I feel like that will come back to haunt me in the future. Isn't that something? Wanting to say something but hindered by the chance that saying it will ultimately get your job taken away from you. I thought there was still freedom in things. But in all reality I do enjoy working there, I just feel like I am being taken advantage of and not fully appreciated.

Its funny, my job and life tend to parallel one another.

I'm also moving out of my house. I don't know if this is the right thing to do right now, or if I am making just another stupid mistake, but I need a change. I've needed a change for awhile.

I think the worst part of being in this darkness I've surrounded myself with is the utter loneliness. I've built a wall that only one person can penetrate and that person has left me. Sleepless nights turn into meaningless days and I can have a real conversation with only a handful of individuals on this earth.

It really bothers me looking back at my life. All the friends that I have made just to lose contact and never keep in touch. I miss you, all of you.

I understand this post is all over the place and meaningless to most, but I needed to do it.

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 22 - Someone You Want To Give A Second Chance To

Dear Love Life,

I know this sounds weird, that I am writing to my own love life, but its true, I want to give you another chance. My past two years, as far as my love life goes, has been quite uneventful. I blame this entirely on me. Its not that I haven't met anyone, is that I truly don't give many people a chance to get close to me. I make up lame excuses about different things to put a space between me and people that are interested in me. I just don't want to get hurt, I guess I'm not very risky.

Close friends of mine have given me the advice to go for it, to make it work. I usually shoot down this idea fairly quickly, because if I find a girl I really connect with, I get scared. I don't want to get attached so much that when it ends it alters my way of life, and my way of thinking. I like the way I think, I like the way I do things. Past girlfriends have changed the way I think and the way I do things. I don't mean this in a pushy way, like someone trying to get me to quit bad habits or that instead of coming home to listening to music and fooling around with friends, I would go out with a certain girl. I mean totally altering a state of mind. For example: a girl breaks your heart, you tend to look at couples and despise them for the sheer fact that they are together and happy. That is an altered state of mind.

I write this because I do want to have a relationship again, but at the same time I subconsciously push them away. I tell myself I am not extremely interested, when in fact, I am. I am hesitant to ask certain girls out for a dinner or a movie because I know that, for the most part, I wear my heart on my sleeve and can fall extremely fast for the right girl. I want the challenge and fulfillment of a relationship, and yet I don't want an altered state of mind.

As I read what I just typed out, I am extremely selfish. I want all the good without the bad. I want the goodmornings and the goodnights without the chaotic arguments. I want the kisses and the I love yous without the tears and the pain. I want the new relationship feelings without the heartbreak feeling. This is virtually impossible, and as much as someone can wish, it will not happen.

This is me saying to you, love life, that I want to try and pursue you more so than I have in the last couple months. This is me saying to you that I will not come up with excuses not to get close to girls I am attracted to. This is me saying to you that it is about time for me to commit to a special someone.

The guy that wants to give you a second chance,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 21 - Someone You Judged By Their First Impression

Dear Danny,

When people ask us how we met, how we became friends it makes me happy. The story between us is pretty fantastic. We both laugh every time the story comes up. We both knew who each other were before the event took place, but we didn't really make personal contact till then. You rolled up to my house with Chris and Ryan because of a certain girl. My mom and aunt went out to ask you to leave while I was held back, bat in my hand. People ask, why the bat? I reply, have you seen Goss?

After that, and some minor butting of heads, we came to terms with each other. It was a cigarette break during school that brought us together actually. Then a slew of drives and good times. We've had some crazy times, especially recently.

I'm really happy we became better friends though. There is a different between real friends, and party friends. Party friends you hit up if your trying to go out and do something fun, and a real friend is there to catch you when you down. I'm ecstatic that you're both for me. When I really need someone to talk to, and I have recently, you've always been there to help me sort out my issues, and god knows there is a lot of them.

Basically, from enemies, to best friends, and I couldn't be happier. Your a good guy, and you keep it real. I happy about how things have worked out between us the past three years. Really hope things don't change.

Your boy,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 20 - The One That Broke My Heart The Hardest

So I remember before that I wrote that I'm not looking forward to a couple of the letters that I'm going to have to write. This one is, by far, the one I was least looking forward to. To the people who know me and know my past, there is only one girl that fits this category in my life, there's only one girl that fits this slot. We dated for awhile, and after some time, because of a culmination of events, the relationship ended in a sour manor. I've said I love you to few girls in my life, and I don't think I ever meant it as much as I did with her.

Dear Jade,

We don't talk anymore, this is really hard for me to write because of that. I don't know if you will actually read this, but its out there and it scares me. It scares me because in my mind its pathetic to still have you in the back of my head. I've written letters to some people that I really didn't want to and this blog was supposed to get myself out there, with no more boundaries, so I'm not going to stop now, just because your name came up.

Let me just say that first of all this isn't me trying to get you back, or a way to try and be friends again. I'm a firm believer of fate and if we aren't talking, and haven't had a real conversation in two years, there is a reason for it. Again if that sounds hostile, it is not, and I'm sorry if it comes off that way.

On the subject of I'm sorry, there is a lot of things I do need to apologize for. I came to terms that when you and I were together, I acted quite childish and immature by the end of our relationship. I apologize for that, I'm not going to get into specifics, but there is a lot of things I should not have done. At the end, for some reason I kept hearing hope in your voice, a reason to stay together when it was not there. False hope, I'm sorry for taking things the wrong way, and for it ending like it did.

I feel like I don't know you anymore, but at the same time, I remember everything about you. Before this letter I said that there is not another girl out there that I have been with that I actually loved, not like you, and everyone has that girl, that first love. I guess you're mine.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I still think about you time to time. When I see you places, I still get that feeling in my stomach, I suppose that will never go away. You were a big part of my life, it may be a one sided feeling but when I look back at senior year and how much fun I had, a lot of it was because of you. I was talking to a friend awhile ago and he asked me what was the favorite show that I ever went to, I replied Kanye West. He was stunned, he asked me why, and he figured it would be a band that I like or a crazy metal show. I just said that it was one of the best times of my life, I was surrounded by people that I love, my cousins, my friends, good music, and you.

I think its the little things between you and me that make you come up in my mind from time to time. The hundreds of different moments we had. Again, this may sound pathetic, but I found myself comparing other girls to you. A bit of a bad habit, but you are the bases of what I want in a relationship. Since I was probably the happiest with you. 

Things happen for a reason, we stopped seeing each other for a reason. I just wanted to thank you. Thank you for making my senior year better, and giving me great memories. Thank you for being my best friend for a period of time and listening to me, being there for me. You're a great person Jade, and you destined to do great things, you have one hell of a personality, and time has only made you prettier.

Just a guy from your past,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 19 - Someone That Pesters Your Mind - Good or Bad

Dear Lamont,

I wanted to pick the right letter to write to you, and I figured that this one would probably fit you the best. You pester the hell out of my me, good and bad.

Sometimes, you are a fantastic best friend. Your there when I need someone to listen to me and your there when I just need someone to kick it with for a bit. You've heard all my stories and helped me out with a lot of the drama that has surrounded my life for the past five years. I'm really glad we've stuck through it and kept in touch for so long.

The reason I say you pester me is because of all the nonsense you bring with you. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, your just greatly unique. I don't think I would put up with half the shit you pull with me if it came from anyone else.

So when you moving? I think you've told me hundred different times that your moving, to New York, to Florida, to Richmond. I can't keep track. But its cool, I like you sticking around here.

Its funny, the way we started out as just casual friends passing in the hall to friends that really rely on one another for support from time to time. I hate to say it but you've made me a better person. Stay around, lets see how much more havoc we can cause.

Your friend,
Cam

P.S. If I didn't totally each shit and scrap half the skin off my arm and hip last night while we were racing, I totally would have beat you just like that time at the park. I might add I did have a cigarette in my mouth too.

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 18 - The Person You Wish You Could Be

Dear Perfect Dude,

I wish I could be just like you. I wish I knew what was to become of me like you do, I wish I was successful like you, I wish I could do the things you do.

The reason I write to you, Mr. Made Up In My Mind, is because you are perfect and exactly what I want out of myself. If I could do anything in the world it would be a musician. This sounds extremely childish but I fantasize about it a rather lot. I want to money, the fame, the girls, the life. I want people to look up to me and know me because of the words I write, and the lyrics I sing. I want the perfect harmony of notes to come together and bring joy to those around me. I want that feeling to become my living, the essence of my being.

I want to know exactly what I want to do in life, and I want to be good at it. I want to go into the next day knowing what to expect and what to work for. Today, I have a vague idea about what lies ahead of me for the next year, a vague idea about my income, my intentions in life. The thing about me though, is my intentions always seem to fail halfway. The person I thought I would be with, I'm not. The family that I thought I graduated from, and moved out from, I am back with. I wish I knew what to expect, but I don't, I want to be like you.

I sit and listen to the deep lyrics and melodious notes of different bands and wish that someone would write to the sounds of me someday. Someone will blog about the reasons why my words gave them an inspiration to write that day. I want to change someone's life, like so many people have changed mine.

I want to be one of the many successful people out there, doing what I love to do. I know it is far fetched. Attainable? I'm not sure yet.

We will see.

Your wannabe,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 17 - Someone From Your Childhood

Dear Mina,

So I went back in my mind, and thought about who is the person that I spent most of my childhood with. Without of a doubt, besides my brother, it would be you. From playing old Mario Kart on the Super Nintendo, to running around in our backyards and goofing off to the sleep overs. Muk...

The only school that we didn't share was Elementary school. We went through Kilmer and Marshall together, side by side. All those bus rides, and times we decided to take a break from school. Its funny to realize how far we have come since then. Your at Virginia Tech, rocking out doing what you do best, and I'm holding down the fort in Nova till you get back.

Put us together, and no one has a chance. Bumpin' to music in our cars, windows down glasses on, even at night. You know how we do. Mina, lets face it, we go hard. Harder than anyone else.

Dance parties at the mall.

No one can see us, lets be honest.

I can't wait for the things to come, December your twenty-one, August I'm twenty-one. Let me just say that DC isn't ready for the havoc we are going to cause. I plan on visiting you at VT soon, take it by storm with my cousin.

I love us,

I love you.

Your cousin,
Camron

But for tonight, goodnight.