Dreams Do Come True

If you read this, I think it is clear that I love music. For most people it is a pass time but for me it is utterly different. Music, even is the words and sounds don't come from me personally, express me in every way. I relate to each and every artist and the notes and expressions that come out of their mouths. Lyrics aren't just a slew of musically put together words but a story places in each and every syllable of each and every word. Music is an art that has been around for ages and  is going to be around for ages to come.

Most of this is common knowledge but what isn't common knowledge is how much I enjoy watching American Idol. Although playing a musical instrument is talented and extremely wonderful, there is nothing more intimate than an amazing vocalist. The notes that are portray through their music is from their heart, it has soul and character. I love watching people come from nothing and pursuing their lifetime dreams of being a singer. Although some people have negative things to say about this show I believe it is a gift, a gift for people with huge amounts of talents. Its a way to instantly get noted in your talent.

This season just ended with a guy name Lee DeWyze being crowned 2010's American Idol. He was a paint salesman until he auditioned for the show and became the winner after many cuts. He won America's heart with his rock vocals and his talent of reconstructing classic masterpieces into his own. Two weeks ago he sang Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley, a song that has been sung over and over again on the show, and gave me goosebumps. I have never heard a better cover of the song, he would of done Jeff Buckley proud. Everything about him screams zero to hero, from a shy singer to a vocalist that could rip up the stage.

I love when a dream comes true, I really do. He is going to do the thing he loves the most for the rest of his life, and hes extremely talented at it. My hat comes off for you Lee DeWyze and I can only hope that my dreams and aspirations come half to what yours has.

Dreams do come true.

But for tonight, goodnight.

Clouds

Laying in bed wondering what to type, wondering what out of the many things pouring out of my brain today I should elaborate on and express about. Time to be a little random. I was told today that "it is refreshing to see an educated, thoughtful, deep, yet fun individual in you considering I was one of those people who only ever saw "party cam"" This kind of made my day. I'm really glad there is actually people reading what I have to say, and relating to it. I guess I'm not the only one out there with these issues. Its quite a relief. It also makes me feel better to know I'm not just typing away into darkness and emptiness. Glad someone could take something out of what I got to say.

I've always had this persona of the "party boy." I can understand why. Two years of my life was devoted to being a party boy. Not just a boy who parties but more so a boy who organized parties. Every Friday and Saturday night I would make calls and get a party ready. Sometimes I like to think that I do it because I know that at my parties there won't be creepers or too much drama and that they weren't half bad. Drinks, women, good music. If you have your ducks lined up correctly, you have one hell of a good time.

I've been told by numerous amounts of people that since I left, my fraternity was quite lacking in the party area. One of the brothers actually called me to ask me for advice, because the last one he threw ended up with a handful of people and a keg that was still full at the end of the night. If unsuccessful wasn't spelled u-n-s-u-c-c-e-s-s-f-u-l it would be spelled f-u-l-l-k-e-g-a-t-t-w-o-a-m.

I liked partying, I was good at it. Sit me down and ask me about stories, I can keep you entertained for hours. That is half the reason I'm not crashing with this lack of social life, I can just remember the great times I did have, smile, and think it will happen again one day. I'll do it better, and legally, maybe make a career out of it. Who knows?

I'm taking a couple classes at Northern Virginia Community College this summer. I cannot drive yet so my mom takes me and picks me up, which I am extremely grateful for. The things my mom does for me to help me succeed are unmatched by anyone else that has ever helped me, not just her actions but her comfort and advice. I'm a momma's boy but that's another story.

After my class I sat on a bench with my head phones in and felt the calm sun warm my skin. I ran my fingers through my hair and felt completely relaxed, for the first time in a long time. I looked up to adore the bright blue of the sky. I saw the clouds slowly move across the sky, today was a big cloud day. The clouds took up half the sky but I couldn't help but notice a small cloud detached from the greater, bigger ones. It was a small cloud, doing its on thing, moving at its own pace.

I kind of want to be that cloud, I really do.

But for tonight, goodnight.

Long Roads Suck

Everything lately feels like it is going inch by inch, step by step. Everything is paced and boring. I wake up, go to class, come back from class, study for the next class.

My life in a nut shell.

My social life is nonexistent and the only thing I have left is living vicariously through my friends who tell me stories. There is the occasional lunch with a friend or dinner with a girl, but nothing to jump and celebrate about.

July fourteenth, stay good, stay clean. Its not hard for me, I can not drink. I can not smoke, I never liked smoking that much anyway. Being good is not a question, its going to happen.

But what kills me is my lack of seeing people, and hanging out with people. I am stuck at looking at Facebook every now and again seeing the smiles and the joy. Its really not that fun, I lived it for years and never looked at myself in a picture and said "hey, I look really happy." It was just "Hey, look how stupid I look, I guess I drank too much."

What really gets my is my friends who I have utterly explained the situation to and they call me, "Hey Cam trying to get a case and chill on it?" Are you serious? No I've told you I quit. I guess people don't believe that I'm one to stop, I'm stronger than most think.

I was actually told by a girl that I am no fun, I don't like to have fun, and I don't like to party. I've never gotten that before, its usually the radical opposite.

At least it was, and I'm okay with that. Everyone needs to grow up.

I don't like not having a social life, I've never been in a situation like this. Not only is it that common thing that brings people my age together is boos, drugs and parties, but its that I am home from college. I left this place along time ago not thinking I would be back, not at nineteen.

Burned bridges that I never knew I would need again, I have got to stop playing with fire.

Step by step, July fourteenth, its coming. And that will be the first of my big steps. I'm stuck in baby shoes and there's nothing I can do about it. Sure I'm an adult, I don't have to be faithful to my parents and totally disregard what they think is best, but in the long run, why? That's just another bridge I don't want to be burned. I've caused them enough heartache as it is.

Future is uncertain, it always is. Stick to the plan lets make it better. I can only do my best, which for the first time, I'm actually striving for.

This is probably the most boring thing you have ever read, and extremely repetitive, but right now, there really isn't much interesting about my life. Sure I could say I'm lonely and I miss being with someone and how life sucks and blah blah blah. But I think I'll stay positive.


Who knew Jenny Humphrey could rock.

 

But for tonight, goodnight. 

The Hamburger Miracle

Have you ever sat down and thought about society? Have you ever thought to yourself how much things would be different if you didn't have the help of society? I mean there would be pluses like no rules or regulations, but you would have to do literally everything by yourself. Take something as simple as a hamburger for example, a simple product you can get for one dollar at McDonalds.

First you would have to get the meat. This means you have to fine a cow. You can't steal a farmers cow because d there is no society, you would have to search for a wild cow, if they even exist. Now say you find a wild cow you would have to butcher that cow. Now since you can't really cut tough cow hide with your bare hinds you would have to subdue this cow till you found a stick or sharp rock to do it. Now lets say you have severed a piece of cow meat and mashed it up into a nice little patty. You then after to start a fire which consists of wood or sticks and a lot of friction. After the fire is ignited you would have to cook it, figured that one out yourself.

Now that you have the patty prepared you would have to get the bread. This would be a whole other adventure accumulating the wheat, salt, flour and what ever else is in bread.

This explanation doesn't account for the knowledge of a hamburger, that we get from other people.

Don't take society for granted, everything you get in life is due to another person processing it, or another group of people.

My actions directly effect the people around me, as does yours.

I just appreciate how much people have influenced me and have helped me on my journey through the hectic life I live.

But for tonight, goodnight.

Gray Skys and Rain Drops on a Bad Day

I woke up at four thirty in the morning. Every other time I was making a b-line to Norfolk District Court I knew why I was going, that I deserved it. I knew that I was supposed to be there, because I had screwed up. This time, I didn't know what to expect. I did not know if I was going to leave with clear shoulders or in handcuffs.

My life is extremely ironic, it seems like if something is supposed to go wrong, it will.

Just don't have the best luck in the world.

I got into the car and drifted into a strong slumber. Sleep was the only way to stop myself for thinking, from freaking out. I'm too good for this, I drank a beer in college, and your really going to hold this over me. I've done the crime, I'm doing the time, why add more Officer Bonds? Why charge me when I'm not there?

After three hours of driving my father and I got to the courthouse. Gray skies closed over my head, yet it decided to open up bits of cracks so it could drizzle over my head. This is probably the last place in the world I'd like to be. I think I've worn out my welcome in that courthouse, I've seen it far too many times.

My friends who helped me and testified on my behalf walked in one by one. My lawyer told them what to do and how to answer questions. Observing her knowledge of the case and how to go about it actually relieved me. Maybe my luck was turning, maybe, just maybe.

My lawyer came to me and said that the officer chickened out, more or less. He saw all my friends who were going to testify against him and decided to drop all the cases he had against me. My luck turned. My friends could go without going on the stand and all I had to do was wait to go before the judge to have the cases dismissed.

I did.

They were dismissed.

The officer didn't even have the balls to stick around and see the charges getting dismissed.

I think the judge would of tore him a knew one.

There was a part two to this court visit though. This was the part that I was leased worried about. I was supposed to get the charges that had happened six months ago dismissed. I had completed the fifty hours of community service, I had stuck to abiding the law. I quit drinking. I went to all my ASAP classes, but I still had one left to go to. The judge decided to continue my probation until July because I had one class to finish. Two hours a day late and I don't get off probation.

I guess I still have a bit of bad luck.

I'm glad I'm suffering two more months of probation and no license instead of jail time.

I'll take what life gives me.

For tonight, goodnight.

Haven't Felt Like That in a Long Time

I love catching up with people I haven't seen in a long time. It's probably one of my favorite things ever. I get to see what they have been up to, their achievements and their aspirations. Cheerleaders turning into graphics designers, soccer players turning into business executives. One of my friends is studying to be a pilot in the Air Force, in a couple years he's going to be flying two tons of steel going the speed of sound. I think that's amazing.

I was talking to my cousin today and she brought up a good idea to write about. I was more into how it fits into most relationships that exist. It is how girls go for older guys, and guys go for younger girls. Why is that? I personally never thought about it quite like I am now. Eighty percent of the girls that I have interacted with on an intimate level were younger than me. For me personally, I think it was a concept of intimidation. Girls younger than me, in my mind, knew less then me, and I felt superior. I know now that this thought it flawed but at the time its my best guess why I did it. That and compatibility. I, personally, am quite immature. So dealing with less mature girls who wanted less in a serious relationship was easier, and more compatible.

But looking back on it, I had more fun and learned more about relationship in a overall view while dating older girls. One in particular turned my thinking around completely. I changed from thing in a high school perspective to a college perspective. I really appreciated her, more than I think she knew. We don't talk anymore but if we did, I would like to tell her how much she actually meant to me, and how she changed how I view relationships.

Her being older and me being younger helped me understand that it wasn't just about the pictures on Facebook of us kissing, and the way people called us cute when we held hands. We spent many hours together over the summer, spent nights together. I remember meeting her, it was quite possibly the best way to meet a girl.

We were at a party and are eyes caught each other. She looked gorgeous and I knew she was older, pretty much guaranteed that I didn't have a chance. I love when I'm wrong. She walked up and initiated the conversation. She continued to call me cute and give me a kiss. I proved my age with my university ID and the rest of the night was a combination of random kisses and getting to know each other.

This lead to a relationship that was amazing, but ended swiftly.

I believe that I grew the most with a girl older than me. She put me in my place and that was something that no other girl could, or would ever do. And I loved it.

I don't know why younger girls go for older guys. I don't know why older guys go for younger girls. I know that for a long time I limited myself to younger girls. For now I'm just looking at compatibility, and that feeling you get when you talk to them. The feeling that you just don't want time to go on, and you want to stay in that moment forever.

Haven't felt like that in a long time.

But for tonight, goodnight

Insomniac? YUP!! I Need Them Pills

Does anyone else sit down are really truly appreciate the lyrics they listen to?

I'm the king of guy that listens to everything. I know most people say that all the time but its really not true. I listen to hardcore, rock, electronic, techno, rap, soul, hip-hop, pop, classical, blues, metal, indie. I listen to the sub genres of the sub genres. I really love everything, from Meatloaf to Lady GaGa to Job For a Cowboy.

All these genres have bands who have songs. They all have something in common, every song ever written. They mean something to someone. People write songs about their loves, their failures, their achievements, their suicide attempts, their first child, their best friends, the famous nights of their lives.

I just want people to know that there is a lot more to a song than a string of melodious notes and a charming voice.

Sit down and really listen to your favorite song, there is a story there. It could change your life.

So I grab my bags and go as far away as I can go cuz everything ain't what I used to know and I tried to hide but I just cant hide no more there's nothing worse than feelings like a ghost

-B.o.B

So I got suspenders. I love them. I'm going to rock them because no one else does. Join my party and rock some suspenders.

Every night I go to bed watching a television show on my computer. I can't, to save my life, fall asleep without something going on. Be it music or a show, I just can't fall into a slumber. I don't know what my problem is but I think I have factored it down to a couple reasons.

I think too much. Does anyone else have this problem? I think about everything that is wrong, its almost always negative while I lay in my bed with my eyes tightly shut, attempting to drift off.

I'm going to go try and drift off with the help of my laptop.
For tonight, goodnight.

Hello I'm Cam and I'm An Attention Whore

As I grow up, day by day, I look back at the things I used to do and the person I used to be. I'm a totally different person than I was when I was in seventh grade, than I was as a freshman, a senior. I'm completely different than when I started college.

I always wondered when things changed though. The exact point when my family stopped thinking of me one way and started thinking of me a different way. When did I go to a family gathering and was considered the cute, rambunctious kid that was shy, even to his cousins. When did that turn to the guy that people look at now. I would try and explain what people see me as, but I think I would fail. People see me differently than I see myself, even my family.

One thing always stayed the same though, I've always loved attention.

I think that's the same for everybody though. People have friends for attention, in some ways. People add pictures to their social profiles, be it Facebook or Myspace. People comment each other saying how gorgeous they are, even if they look hideous. Why? So people would comment you back saying how great you look when in reality they could think your quite disgusting.

I love attention, I won't deny it. I love seeing that I have comments or messages. I get bummed when the message isn't directed toward me but to a group of people, like a group. I think most people do. I post pictures of my new clothes and my new hairstyles to receive some kind of gratification that it looks good, even if its subconscious to me. What other reason would it be? If I just wanted to show someone who I am, my physical features, I would keep one picture up, not eighty something.

So I created an account on this site called Formspring. If your not familiar with it, it is a way for people to ask you questions anonymously. Hey just another way for me to interact with people, why not? As I started getting questions I realized most could fit under two categories.

Half are complete haters.
  

"your kind of gross and disgusting what you do to girls. why do you use them? pick some1."

"why did you act like such a tool in class at odu?? i know you are nicer than that"

"did you grow out your hair? its gross."

"camron is retarded all you dumb girls need to get that thru ur head"

"you are a f**king prick"

Half of them are quite ... nice.   

"YOUR SEXY"

"soooo hott"

"why wouldnt someone want to f**k camron? i do believe i said f**k in essence meaning idc if he's been with 'a milli' girls"

"CAN WE F**K? SERIOUSLY?" 

"I believe that you have a heart made of gold, but people just don't see it. im just as unappreciated as you are. I hope you find your someone."

You know I get the hater ones but I just don't get the nice ones at all. Now you are probably are going to call me crazy right about now but I'm not keep up with me. Haters just want to get their ideas out there and, frankly, don't have the balls to say it to my face. So i just turn around and treat it like a joke. What else is there to do? Now the nice ones. To all the girls calling me sexy and saying those extremely vulgar things that I won't say I like, but I won't say I don't like :), I do not get you. What am I supposed to do with an anonymous person telling me they like me. Girls if you haven't figured out guys are really bad at signs. We just don't pick them up or give them out as well as you do. So if you think that giving out an anonymous hint is going to help at all, 

your completely wrong. 

If boy likes girl, boy should send girl a note, or ask her out. If girl likes boy, and boy isn't getting the hint. WAVE A FREAKING FLAG IN HIS FACE TILL HE UNDERSTANDS YOU LIKE HIM. I mean if he lets you down and doesn't like you back, that is life. You live you love you learn. But if he just has no clue, don't blame it on him, hes just a guy.

Back to my attention addiction. I think that may be why I'm writing this. I want people to read it, and tell me they like it, or hate it. 

But for tonight, goodnight.

Hm About That Smile of Yours

So I tried to buy suspenders today. I don't know why I'm telling you this but I just saw someone rocking suspenders and decided I wanted to get some. I think I could rock suspenders.

Every night that I don't know what to write about I go sit in my thinking spot. My room is on the second floor of my house and the window that faces the street opens up to a nice platform. I started using this to smoke cigarettes in the middle of the night since I'm lacking in trust with my parents and they feel the need to have chimes on the doors at all times.

I don't think I have snuck out for my house since 11th grade.

I'm going to take a quick break at what I was writing about to explain how I just looked up if "snuck" was a word, and it isn't. I didn't know that. I've been using "snuck" my entire life and now there is a red line under it saying its wrong. Well I'm going to defy Mr. Webster and use it, I'm just that bad ass.

So back to my thinking place, I love it. I sit out looking over my quiet suburban road and just listen to the sounds of peace. The distance sounds of cars driving at speeds well over the legal limit less than a mile away, the occasional siren, the sort of sizzling sounds of my cigarette burning down.

I understand why people look down at smoking, there is literally no good that comes out of it. Do I enjoy people telling me its going to kill me? No, trust me I know. But I enjoy it, I find it kind of poetic at the same time. Just the small things. Like when you driving at sunset, looking straight into the sun. There's a cigarette in your mouth and the music playing. You blow out the smoke and it hits your wind shield and spreads and spreads until there is a thin layer of  smoke between you and the road. Eventually, its disappears.

I don't know call me crazy but I think that looks cool. No I don't mean that act of smoking like "Hey look at me with a cigarette in my mouth, I'm just such a rebel." I mean the way the smoke hits the windshield. Maybe this is just the addiction talking.

I was cursed with an extremely addictive personality.

I was blessed with impressive will power.

I even myself out.

So I'm sitting on the roof, thinking. What should I write about tonight? I'm still stuck in the same old drama and the same old feelings that I felt and wrote about yesterday.

Why do girls tend to look at me more when I'm with another girl. I walked the mall today with a friend, who happens to be a female and I swear I got looks left and right. I know that if I saw a girl with a guy I go to the conclusion that they are most likely together, so the chances of me actually having a shot with her at that exact moment are quite slim, so whats the point in the smile.

Hell maybe that's my soul mate. I mean you never know. That could be the love of my life. So whats the harm in a smile, to catch her eye. From now on, as a single guy living in a heavily populated area with extremely attractive girls, I'm going to smile at everyone of you.

I think I've got a nice smile :)

For tonight, goodnight.

Don't look back, Wont look back

I think I am in the wrong town. I just don't fit in Northern Virginia, with all the prom queens and the Lacrosse jocks, the total bros. I just don't work this town. I don't work with the car mechanics and the potheads. I hate smoking weed. I don't work with the fake and the impoverished. I got spoiled as a kid, I love nice things, I am sorry.

I don't think I'm better than you.

I just know that I really don't fit in.

I've tried. I've dated the cheerleaders. I've drank with the bros, I've rocked with the musicians. It just doesn't fit. Maybe I'm a loner. Maybe I am not supposed to fit anywhere. But I really don't think this is the right town for me.

Who knows maybe I fit in a demographic that I have never even thought of trying. I know I am not into sports, you catch me watching a chick flick before you catch me watching ESPN.

I never tried out for a school play, who knows maybe I'm the next big actor. Never tried acting before.

I want to move. I want to get out of Northern Virginia. The college thing just isn't working for me and I don't see myself stuck in a nine to five for the rest of my life. I don't see myself jumping into a family and just trying to make it through for the rest of my life. My gut says fuck it and jump on a plane to Los Angeles. Maybe some LAX would mature me. Make me grow up a little bit.

Pack a bag and don't look back.

I'm good at three things.

1) Spending money

2) Lying and bullshiting

3) Talking to girls

Now tell me what line of work does that put me under. I am pretty sure I don't want to be a male gigolo so lets rule that one out.

I just need a change of pace, and as I said before my gut says to just leave. Leave after everything is settle so that means July 17th I could be on a plane out to try and figure out my life.

I don't think I have the balls to do that. I'm not even twenty yet. Why do I feel like I am though. I just want to fast forward to twenty five.

Its been extremely confusing for me for the past few months. Want one thing, want another. I'm going to figure it out and if a year in a strange city is what I need. So be it.

Who knows?

Guess I got till July 17th to figure it out.

For tonight, goodnight.

SixFiveFourThreeTwoOne

I haven't written in awhile. 

I've been extremely busy. 

I spent six hours behind bars. 

I have five people I really actually talk to. 

I have four court dates coming up. 

I have three brothers who don't get why I'm back home. 

I have two parents that still don't trust me.

I've had one hell of a bad time dealing with all this shit that has been dumped on my plate. 

I was talking to one of my friends, one of the five that I truly keep up with. She told me to just be happy its all over. Its not, its just begun. I don't understand, I guess she wasn't really listening or she just didn't care because its not even close to over. 

As I am working through everything I just get more dumped on my plate. Every time. So I tell myself I'm going to do something for me for a change. So I do, and what do you know my parents don't approve. How can they I mean I'm probably the biggest burden in their life. That's what it feels to me anyways. 

I get up everyday and look out the window. There is green grass, beautiful trees and birds chirping. Its like one of those ridiculous movies you watch where everything is perfect. In my rich neighborhood in Vienna, it usually is. I'm just grateful I'm on this side of the dirt and not the other. I've had some great times. If you would put my in a room with a complete stranger I could keep them entertain for hours with stories. 

A lot of people say this, but truly, if you taped my life it would sell to MTV for millions. 

I should consider it. 

I should of considered it. 

I don't live that life anymore. 

Maybe one day, when its legal.

Court in ten days. 

Can't wait to get my license back. 

I want to drive my car with my stereo blaring at a nu-sense volume again.

Sorry for just a random post, they will get better but, 

For tonight

Goodnight