Letter 22 - Someone You Want To Give A Second Chance To

Dear Love Life,

I know this sounds weird, that I am writing to my own love life, but its true, I want to give you another chance. My past two years, as far as my love life goes, has been quite uneventful. I blame this entirely on me. Its not that I haven't met anyone, is that I truly don't give many people a chance to get close to me. I make up lame excuses about different things to put a space between me and people that are interested in me. I just don't want to get hurt, I guess I'm not very risky.

Close friends of mine have given me the advice to go for it, to make it work. I usually shoot down this idea fairly quickly, because if I find a girl I really connect with, I get scared. I don't want to get attached so much that when it ends it alters my way of life, and my way of thinking. I like the way I think, I like the way I do things. Past girlfriends have changed the way I think and the way I do things. I don't mean this in a pushy way, like someone trying to get me to quit bad habits or that instead of coming home to listening to music and fooling around with friends, I would go out with a certain girl. I mean totally altering a state of mind. For example: a girl breaks your heart, you tend to look at couples and despise them for the sheer fact that they are together and happy. That is an altered state of mind.

I write this because I do want to have a relationship again, but at the same time I subconsciously push them away. I tell myself I am not extremely interested, when in fact, I am. I am hesitant to ask certain girls out for a dinner or a movie because I know that, for the most part, I wear my heart on my sleeve and can fall extremely fast for the right girl. I want the challenge and fulfillment of a relationship, and yet I don't want an altered state of mind.

As I read what I just typed out, I am extremely selfish. I want all the good without the bad. I want the goodmornings and the goodnights without the chaotic arguments. I want the kisses and the I love yous without the tears and the pain. I want the new relationship feelings without the heartbreak feeling. This is virtually impossible, and as much as someone can wish, it will not happen.

This is me saying to you, love life, that I want to try and pursue you more so than I have in the last couple months. This is me saying to you that I will not come up with excuses not to get close to girls I am attracted to. This is me saying to you that it is about time for me to commit to a special someone.

The guy that wants to give you a second chance,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 21 - Someone You Judged By Their First Impression

Dear Danny,

When people ask us how we met, how we became friends it makes me happy. The story between us is pretty fantastic. We both laugh every time the story comes up. We both knew who each other were before the event took place, but we didn't really make personal contact till then. You rolled up to my house with Chris and Ryan because of a certain girl. My mom and aunt went out to ask you to leave while I was held back, bat in my hand. People ask, why the bat? I reply, have you seen Goss?

After that, and some minor butting of heads, we came to terms with each other. It was a cigarette break during school that brought us together actually. Then a slew of drives and good times. We've had some crazy times, especially recently.

I'm really happy we became better friends though. There is a different between real friends, and party friends. Party friends you hit up if your trying to go out and do something fun, and a real friend is there to catch you when you down. I'm ecstatic that you're both for me. When I really need someone to talk to, and I have recently, you've always been there to help me sort out my issues, and god knows there is a lot of them.

Basically, from enemies, to best friends, and I couldn't be happier. Your a good guy, and you keep it real. I happy about how things have worked out between us the past three years. Really hope things don't change.

Your boy,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 20 - The One That Broke My Heart The Hardest

So I remember before that I wrote that I'm not looking forward to a couple of the letters that I'm going to have to write. This one is, by far, the one I was least looking forward to. To the people who know me and know my past, there is only one girl that fits this category in my life, there's only one girl that fits this slot. We dated for awhile, and after some time, because of a culmination of events, the relationship ended in a sour manor. I've said I love you to few girls in my life, and I don't think I ever meant it as much as I did with her.

Dear Jade,

We don't talk anymore, this is really hard for me to write because of that. I don't know if you will actually read this, but its out there and it scares me. It scares me because in my mind its pathetic to still have you in the back of my head. I've written letters to some people that I really didn't want to and this blog was supposed to get myself out there, with no more boundaries, so I'm not going to stop now, just because your name came up.

Let me just say that first of all this isn't me trying to get you back, or a way to try and be friends again. I'm a firm believer of fate and if we aren't talking, and haven't had a real conversation in two years, there is a reason for it. Again if that sounds hostile, it is not, and I'm sorry if it comes off that way.

On the subject of I'm sorry, there is a lot of things I do need to apologize for. I came to terms that when you and I were together, I acted quite childish and immature by the end of our relationship. I apologize for that, I'm not going to get into specifics, but there is a lot of things I should not have done. At the end, for some reason I kept hearing hope in your voice, a reason to stay together when it was not there. False hope, I'm sorry for taking things the wrong way, and for it ending like it did.

I feel like I don't know you anymore, but at the same time, I remember everything about you. Before this letter I said that there is not another girl out there that I have been with that I actually loved, not like you, and everyone has that girl, that first love. I guess you're mine.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I still think about you time to time. When I see you places, I still get that feeling in my stomach, I suppose that will never go away. You were a big part of my life, it may be a one sided feeling but when I look back at senior year and how much fun I had, a lot of it was because of you. I was talking to a friend awhile ago and he asked me what was the favorite show that I ever went to, I replied Kanye West. He was stunned, he asked me why, and he figured it would be a band that I like or a crazy metal show. I just said that it was one of the best times of my life, I was surrounded by people that I love, my cousins, my friends, good music, and you.

I think its the little things between you and me that make you come up in my mind from time to time. The hundreds of different moments we had. Again, this may sound pathetic, but I found myself comparing other girls to you. A bit of a bad habit, but you are the bases of what I want in a relationship. Since I was probably the happiest with you. 

Things happen for a reason, we stopped seeing each other for a reason. I just wanted to thank you. Thank you for making my senior year better, and giving me great memories. Thank you for being my best friend for a period of time and listening to me, being there for me. You're a great person Jade, and you destined to do great things, you have one hell of a personality, and time has only made you prettier.

Just a guy from your past,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 19 - Someone That Pesters Your Mind - Good or Bad

Dear Lamont,

I wanted to pick the right letter to write to you, and I figured that this one would probably fit you the best. You pester the hell out of my me, good and bad.

Sometimes, you are a fantastic best friend. Your there when I need someone to listen to me and your there when I just need someone to kick it with for a bit. You've heard all my stories and helped me out with a lot of the drama that has surrounded my life for the past five years. I'm really glad we've stuck through it and kept in touch for so long.

The reason I say you pester me is because of all the nonsense you bring with you. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, your just greatly unique. I don't think I would put up with half the shit you pull with me if it came from anyone else.

So when you moving? I think you've told me hundred different times that your moving, to New York, to Florida, to Richmond. I can't keep track. But its cool, I like you sticking around here.

Its funny, the way we started out as just casual friends passing in the hall to friends that really rely on one another for support from time to time. I hate to say it but you've made me a better person. Stay around, lets see how much more havoc we can cause.

Your friend,
Cam

P.S. If I didn't totally each shit and scrap half the skin off my arm and hip last night while we were racing, I totally would have beat you just like that time at the park. I might add I did have a cigarette in my mouth too.

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 18 - The Person You Wish You Could Be

Dear Perfect Dude,

I wish I could be just like you. I wish I knew what was to become of me like you do, I wish I was successful like you, I wish I could do the things you do.

The reason I write to you, Mr. Made Up In My Mind, is because you are perfect and exactly what I want out of myself. If I could do anything in the world it would be a musician. This sounds extremely childish but I fantasize about it a rather lot. I want to money, the fame, the girls, the life. I want people to look up to me and know me because of the words I write, and the lyrics I sing. I want the perfect harmony of notes to come together and bring joy to those around me. I want that feeling to become my living, the essence of my being.

I want to know exactly what I want to do in life, and I want to be good at it. I want to go into the next day knowing what to expect and what to work for. Today, I have a vague idea about what lies ahead of me for the next year, a vague idea about my income, my intentions in life. The thing about me though, is my intentions always seem to fail halfway. The person I thought I would be with, I'm not. The family that I thought I graduated from, and moved out from, I am back with. I wish I knew what to expect, but I don't, I want to be like you.

I sit and listen to the deep lyrics and melodious notes of different bands and wish that someone would write to the sounds of me someday. Someone will blog about the reasons why my words gave them an inspiration to write that day. I want to change someone's life, like so many people have changed mine.

I want to be one of the many successful people out there, doing what I love to do. I know it is far fetched. Attainable? I'm not sure yet.

We will see.

Your wannabe,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 17 - Someone From Your Childhood

Dear Mina,

So I went back in my mind, and thought about who is the person that I spent most of my childhood with. Without of a doubt, besides my brother, it would be you. From playing old Mario Kart on the Super Nintendo, to running around in our backyards and goofing off to the sleep overs. Muk...

The only school that we didn't share was Elementary school. We went through Kilmer and Marshall together, side by side. All those bus rides, and times we decided to take a break from school. Its funny to realize how far we have come since then. Your at Virginia Tech, rocking out doing what you do best, and I'm holding down the fort in Nova till you get back.

Put us together, and no one has a chance. Bumpin' to music in our cars, windows down glasses on, even at night. You know how we do. Mina, lets face it, we go hard. Harder than anyone else.

Dance parties at the mall.

No one can see us, lets be honest.

I can't wait for the things to come, December your twenty-one, August I'm twenty-one. Let me just say that DC isn't ready for the havoc we are going to cause. I plan on visiting you at VT soon, take it by storm with my cousin.

I love us,

I love you.

Your cousin,
Camron

But for tonight, goodnight.

Bit of a Two Parter

I know that I haven't been keeping up as well as I should be. Things have changed in my life a bit and I decided to keep everyone that reads this a little posted.

I'm pretty sure that the last time that I was writing I was bound by the ropes of the law. This is not the case anymore. July 14th I went before the Judge and he told me that the report that my probation officer was fantastic. He also decided to dismiss every charge that I got.

It was a happy day, came home and spent a couple weeks with my family. My birthday came around, turned twenty. I'm am not a teenager anymore, I guess I have to start acting older. Every time I say that out loud I want to slap myself, I still feel sixteen. Well, a day before my birthday my father surprised me with a brand new car. A 2010 Toyota Corrolla. I named it too, but its still a toss up between two. Tholly, or the Mint Mobile. Tholly because the paint job matches the mental cigarette pack, or Mint Mobile because it looks like a big breath of minty freshness. I'm truly stumped.

So now that I have a car, no probation, I feel relieved. Life is back to the way it used to be. Oh wait, I'm still in Nova. Sometimes you have to take what life hands you. Hey, it handed me a nice job at Coastal Flats so, I'll take what I can get.

Working at the mall makes me hate it in some ways. I was standing outside the doors by the AMC wondering why I despise that place in the back of my head. It's not a hate that makes me want to rip my hair out and scream, but a hate that just sits there idle. Sits there and makes you squirm from the inside out. And then I started doing what I do best, people watch.

I think I could count ten seconds before I saw another one. It was like clockwork, they pranced in one by one. Happily strutting along, glaring at you thinking they were better than you. Holding hands, light pecks on the cheek, because god forbid if they show too much public displays of affection. Couples, they were everywhere. They have been everywhere since spring. Popping up like damn daisies.

Do I hate people falling in love, or acting like they are falling in love? I sat in my car and drove home pondering this idea. I don't think I hate them. I came to the conclusion that if I don't hate them, it must be because I envy them. Yes, I'm sick of being single, it's true. I envy the stability that those people have, and hate the longing to feel the way they do.

That's what I'm missing. I have no problems with the law, I have a car, a job, good friends. I'm taking classes, pretty much everything is in place. There is no girl in my life, that is what I'm missing and that's why I still feel incomplete, I think.

So I've put together a girlfriend application that you can find on my Facebook, I'm totally kidding. But I do find myself putting on cologne thinking "who knows maybe I'll find the one today and she will sniff me." Or going out for a cigarette right by AMC thinking "who knows maybe the love of my life will ask me for a light." Is it wrong to hope?

But for tonight, goodnight.

P.S is it gay that I still rock out to Sum 41 when no ones looking? Fat Lip is epic.

Letter 16 - Someone That's Not In Your State

So I haven't written for awhile, been about a month. The truth is that I am just losing myself again, much less doing things that I shouldn't do but wanting to do things that I shouldn't. I'm still being myself, and saying no to a lot of the things I wouldn't of a year ago, but I'm off probation, I have a car, and my license back. I want to go wild, I haven't yet. I got a year till its legal to be stupid, I think I can wait for the most part.

Another reason I have been ditching this post is because I really don't know who to write this too, but I figured out someone. I just had to wait till she moved back out to college. I'm going to get back into posting like I was. I promise.

Dear Sammi,

Out of everyone that I have ever been romantically involved with, I'm glad that you and me have stayed on good terms for most of our lives. I've known you for a little of five years now, and for the most part, we have been in contact the entire time. You a great person with a bit of a flawed music sense but I'll learn to deal with it. You have a heart of gold, and it just gets brighter and brighter as the years gone on.

We have a rough past relationship wise, and I'm glad that it never got in the way of us being friends. Because even if we didn't agree on things we usually worked it out, or just stopped talking for a little bit. More or less, we acted mature about most situations.

Actually, that's kind of hard for me to say, because there was a lot of immaturity that surround both you and me, but as time went on, things got better. I'm glad that we can drive and chill and just enjoy each others companies for hours without being awkward.

You a good friend, and a great part of my life. When we all grow older and I look back on my high school and college years I will be happy that you were vividly apart of mine.

Truly,
Cam

Street Lights On A Terrible Night

I'm just going to ramble, for your entertainment purposes. Get a kick out of it, steal a line or two.

People say to me through clouded walls how much they despise me. That really doesn't make me feel good. It could be one of two things. Either people hate me for no reason, or people hate me for a concrete reason. I'm guessing that its the second of those two choices. I guess I'm not the best person in the world, I'm not Mother Teresa, but I try. I don't try to be a saint, hell, I sin. I sin a lot. There's an amazing line from Little Nicky, "Sin Is Fun." God I love Adam Sandler. Basically, give me a break, I'm only human.

These past few weeks have been dull and depressing to say the least.

Tonight I realized that my biggest achievement in life, and pretty much the sole achievement in my life, is that I graduated High School with an advanced diploma. That depressed me.

When I feel lonely, I tend to cling onto memories of the past. I think about me and Jade, I think about me and Dani, I think about me and Stephanie, I think about me and Sammi, I think about me and Anna. Then I pop in a disc of One Tree Hill and watch how characters act what I portray as great couples. I'm such a girl sometimes.

On the upside, only a couple more days of probation, and I'll be a free man. I was talking to my mother tonight, and came to a conclusion. The reason I've been sober for past six months is because if I'm caught not being sober I'll be thrown in jail. Now when I'm not on probation and I get caught, I won't be thrown into anything, but rather out of my house. I want to find a girl to enjoy some sobriety with for the next year or so. That would make things easier.

Riddle me this. If a girl likes you, should she sleep with one of your best friends. I found out tonight that it is a valid decision. Its this new thing, like a right of passage. A girl must sleep with best friends before enjoying a tasteful relationship with a man. Just kidding, it just blows my mind.

Have you ever noticed how poetic a street light is when your tired and emotional. The light is small, and bright. There is an elliptical glow to it, that just surrounds that light, a kind of protection if you will. The lower your eye lids become, the brighter this glow gets. Small light strands shoot from the glow and light up an imaginary line across the dashboard. It makes it feel like everything this is cool, things can only get better because that light is fucking beautiful. Then you look over and realize the company you are sharing. Might as well turn off that street light.

Seems like a common occurrence in my life, street lights just love to go off.

I know I haven't been writing lately, and the letters will continue. I promise I won't make it a habit. It's just been really tough lately. I got sick and life loves to through fender benders my way. I don't even drive and I'm still accident prone.

Much love,

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 15 - The Person I Miss The Most

First off I just like to apologize for how many times that I change the subject of the topic to benefit me. For example when I wrote a letter to my crush, I wrote it to all the girls that I think are attractive, because I really can't focus on one girl I have feelings for right now, she doesn't exist. The person I miss the most, I miss so many people, how can I even think about focusing on one person. So I'm going to do this.

Dear Ex Life,

I miss partying, and freedom. I miss all my college friends that didn't have a care in the world and were brought together for one focus, to have fun. It almost always involved alcohol, and other drugs of sorts, but one common goal, to forget the past week and focus on the next. I miss playing beer pong with my fraternity brothers, listening to our favorite songs over and over again. I miss chilling on my deck with hundreds of other people, knowing that in some sort of way, I got them all together.

I miss long talks, about how life is going to be alright. I miss sitting out in front of my house, watching people walk down the road. I miss seeing my friends every single day, I miss having something to do all the time. I miss the girls, oh how I miss the girls.

Most of all I miss the freedom. I miss being able to have a cigarette at three in the morning, without having to crawl out my window trying not to wake anyone. I miss being able to invite special people over, anytime I wanted, to do certain things. I miss not having to ask anyone if I wanted to go out.

I miss drinking, I miss having a reason to be stupid. I could fall on my face, get up, say I'm fine, and blame it on the booz.  I miss having BAC competitions with my roommates, I miss beating them at BAC competitions. Yes, this means we had a breathalyzer and we competed on who could blow higher. I miss partying, I miss being close to all my friends.

I miss being as skinny as I was.

I know this sounds quite hypocritical of me. Saying I miss all these things. If you didn't know, I quit drinking, and partying. I'm trying to walk the right path for once in my life. That doesn't mean I don't miss it. It kind of means I miss it more.

I'll get my freedom back one day, and I'll party like I used to. Hopefully way more responsibly.

You ex self,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight

Letter 14 - Someone I've Drifted From

Dear Dani,

We talked today on the phone, but I had you name picked for this letter for awhile now. I don't think a simple phone call is going to change the fact that we have drifted away incredibly. Its extremely regrettable in my eyes, and I wish it didn't happen, but hey that's life.

I looked up the definition for best friend up online, see what other people thought.

The first one says this - The one friend who is the closest to you.

I hate that answer, because its rare to have exactly one best friends.

The next one is asked, "What is the definition of "best friend" because I have more than one? Is it possible to have more than one best friend?" and the reply was " Yes, you can have tons of best friends, I do. A best friend is a person you can trust, someone you can tell your secrets to and they can keep it a secret, someone to cheer you up when you're sad and someone that's always there for you."

I like that one a lot better. According to that definition, we were definitely best friends in my eyes. Sure, we were romantic at time, and between you and me, I'll always have a little something something for you. But it sucks, to lose someone that you considered your best friend to something like a split up in an affectionate sense. You were someone that I could always talk to, and really enjoy talking to, although usually utterly flirty.

It always sucks to loose a relationship, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but you were one of my best friends. Did we hang out everyday, and do best friend things? No, but there was always emotional support from you, it really helped get me through some rough things.


Most of my relationships started with a kiss, or a holding of the hand. My relationship with you started with a friendship, one that I believed turned into a beautiful one. We used to stay up until wee hours in the morning talking about whatever our hearts concerned. We would argue, gracefully, and agree about most everything. Even when we weren't romantic, we still shared times, sitting in a car listening to music, or sitting on swings together, getting eaten alive my misquotes, talking about our current boyfriend and girlfriend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really regret not keeping as close to you over the years. I also regret not trying harder to get you to realize that even if we aren't together in a relationship, we can still be close friends. You know I wouldn't dream of compromising your relationship with your significant other, and I know you would never try to ruin any of my potential relationships.


And frankly if any girl told me I couldn't be friends with you because of jealousy, I'd tell her to get over it. I think you know I've done that once before, wouldn't hesitate to do it again.


You friend,
Cam


But for tonight, goodnight.

Ideas

Since I have ideas come to me during the day. If I'm lucking I text it to myself so I can write about it later. Since I'm really into writing these letters, I'd figure every so often I'll just throw up my ideas onto a quick blog that I can  look at later, and write and expand on.

-Vampires
-The zombie apocalypse
-Girls that get the wrong impression when you tell them exactly what to expect before sexual encounters.
-True friends / party friends
-My hookah bar business idea

I think those will be fun to write about.

Letter 13 - Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me

A lot of these letters should be to the same person. I could write this to my brother, or my parents. I could write this to many people, but some on the top of my list, are going to be written about, or have been written about. I know many people that I have wronged, and to grab on in particular would be a dishonor to the ones I wouldn't write to. To write to just one would be wrong, I need a lot of forgiveness, I haven't been the best person in many different cases. So I guess I'm sorry.

Dear Everyone,

This could be a letter telling you sorry for everything that I've done, or a beg for forgiveness, but it won't be just that. Do I ask for you forgiveness? Yes, with all my heart, but you know the wrongs I've committed to you, and a list of reasons why I am sorry isn't going to be very productive. More so an explanation to some of the the wrongs I've caused.

My lies, they tend to hurt people. For everyone that I have lied to, big or small, I hope you can forgive me. I lived in a bubble that I created for myself, a reality that I conjured for myself. Somethings I would say would be false, and untrue. It took a lot for me to change that, and I'm still working at it everyday. I believe I have worked it down to just bullshitting about little small things, equivalent to saying that you're at dinner when you're not to a telemarketer. Some people call it a white lie, but its still a lie. The only way to get better is to eliminate it all once and for all. It's much like an alcoholic, just one beer isn't okay for an alcoholic, neither is one lie for me. Like I said, I'm working at it, and it will go away.

Someday my life will be perfect, and there will be no reason to lie. That is what I strive for.

I guess everything that I've done wrong, one way or another, always tie back to how I lied. Mostly to my parents, but also to the girls I've hurt. The girls that see a relationship with me and I string them on until I get bored. It was an awful habit, and trust me, that, more than anything else, has been taken care of. I ask everyone I've hurt, in a romantic manor, for forgiveness.

I'm a flirt, it runs in the family I suppose. I'm sorry for everyone that gets the wrong impression. I don't mean to hurt you, or anyone.

Today I read an email from a girl in my psychology class, she asked if anyone could record the class that she will be missing, and that they would be compensated for it through cash. I responded to the email, said I could do it without compensation. I feel like if I start doing nice things, one by one, maybe my karma will change. I've done so much wrong to people, that I really need to start working on my right. I just hope I still have a chance to prove that I'm not the same person to my friends and the people I love.

To everyone I have lied to, or hurt, I am sorry, and beg for your forgiveness.

Your screw up,
Cam

But for tonight, I'm going to write a couple more.

Letter 12 - The Person That I Hate The Most

This letter stumped me, I do hate things, but I don't hate many people. For the most part I try to get over first impressions and look past mistakes. I forgive far too easy and let people in faster than I should. Some people call that a weakness, some people call it a curse. I think that if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have experienced half the things I have experienced. I guess, the people I hate the most, are haters. So this is for you haters.

Dear Haters,

I hate you. I despise that you hide behind anonymous posts and far spread rumors. I can't stand how you judge me, and make opinions about me before you give me the time of day. Sure, I'm an immature guy, I know that. You shouldn't jump to conclusions. So to each and everyone of you, the ones who called me gay, the ones that said I was a player, the one that pass me and laugh, I hate you.

I really can't pin point one of you that I hate the most, because you are all equally unimportant and pathetic in my book. To judge someone before you get to know them, its just wrong. I may not be the most attractive guy, or the most athletic, or the most creative, but I'm not the least either. I share a lot of love, with a lot of people, and frankly, your missing out. I feel sorry for you, I've gotten extremely close with some amazing people and they look past my faults, or confront my faults to me, to my face. Learn something from them.

I've said this before but I've put up a wall, a sort of cocoon that I hide behind. That wall is usually let down to the people who actually get to know me, so what right do you have to judge me, when you haven't gotten to know me, or even tried.

I went to college, I was a small fish in a big pond. I met new people, started a new life, become a new person. People still judge me, I guess you haters will always be around. I take it as a compliment, there must be a reason why you hate on me. Jealousy? I wouldn't understand why anyone would just purely hate me, I really don't cause many wrongs to people. If anything, I do my best to help my friends and acquaintances. Stop hating, put down your guard, get to know me. If you have something to say or critique then I'll listen, in a heartbeat, but don't waste your anonymous hate on ears that won't listen, because you don't deserve them to.

I ask you this haters, if you reading, confront me. Comment, send me a message on Facebook, don't hide behind anonymity, give me a name, and give me a reason why you hate me. I'd love to hear from you, and maybe answer why I act the certain ways I do. I bet none of you will, you are all fake and wrong. You make the world a worse place, with your misplaces rumors and incorrect judgements.

Not just on me, but on everyone else. Stop, love, don't hate.

I'll hate on the haters any day.

The guy you hate,
The guy who hates you,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 11 - A Deceased Person I Wish I Could Talk To

The reason this blog is coming out so late at night is because I really couldn't think of anything. Most of these letters have been directed to people before my college experiences. I think that I was much more myself before I went to college, I was a lot closer to my friends before college, I was a better person. So naturally I thought of people that past away before I went to college and narrowed it down to my grandfather. The thing about that, though, is that I really don't know what I would share with my grandfather. We were never extremely close and he doesn't know the guy I grew to, he doesn't know the mistakes I've made. I didn't want to write a letter to him explaining who I am now to him, I'm sure he's watching over me and knows who I am.

This lead me to think forward to college. Last December one of my pledge brothers took his own life, and I miss him. There's a lot that was unsaid and there's a lot of questions I have for him.

Dear Ray,

What happened man, what made life take such a turn for the worst that you had to do what you did? I remember only a few days before I heard the news I texted you, saying happy Gamma Mu Day, and you replied wishing you were here with us. I told you next year, and you replied definitely.

I know you and me weren't the closest of pledge brothers, but you were like a big brother to me, and a lot of the other pledge brothers. You were older and, in a sense, looked over us. We called you grandpa for a reason, and it wasn't just your age.

You were a fantastic guy, and an even better brother. You stood strong in the trenches with us, and made it through without a hitch. It just really blows my mind.

Its the fact that you aren't around anymore. I've never lost someone, not the same way I've lost you. Like I said, I know we were not the closest of brothers, but I always thought you were going to be around. At least a phone call or text away. It just really sucks. We were a strong seventeen, and we will always be a strong seventeen, but one of the links, as strong as it was, left us, and made the chain a little shorter.

I was looking for pictures of us, and there really isn't any. I wish we took a good picture together Ray.

I'll always miss you.

Your brother,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 10 - Someone I Don't Talk To As Much As I'd Like To

Dear Ilya,

I miss you man. I wish we didn't drift so far apart, I'm not quite sure the reasoning, but its life and sometimes you just have to deal with it. We had some good days though, filled with jacks and air soft guns. Spent a whole summer chilling by a pool, kickin' it hardcore. That was a good summer man, I'm glad we got close.

You've told me many times that you didn't like me before you got to know me, and I'm glad you did, no homo. Do you remember the time we got straight raided by the cops at Chipotle because they thought we had guns pointed at people? Little did they know that we stashed our air soft guns in my trunk real quick right before hand.

I remember rolling through Vienna, windows down, just kickin' it all summer. We would hit up Friends if we had nothing else to do, but usually we found something to do, someway to get in trouble. Sneaking your ass out to party at hotels.

Prom man, how gay was that. We got all ready to sneak out or have our dates over but we ended up passing out to that one movie. Chuck and Larry right? That night was fun regardless.

Thanks for having my back all those years, you were always one of my best friends bro. Thank you for finally making it down to ODU two semesters ago. You and me took the best beer pong players I know, not only took them, but skunked them. Too bad we lost to girls right after.

Man although we drifted apart the past couple of years, Your still one of my best friends, because your real. You know who you are and you know what you want. You don't fake, if you didn't think something was right you'd tell me. You were real with me and I respect the hell out of that.You a great guy man, and you going live a good life, you have character, and morals. Your the real deal bro.

You boy,
Cam

Break From Letters

This will be a very short entry just to let you know about a new feature I added to my blog. Every post I will add a song to the playlist located at the top of the blog page. The song is most probably the song that I was listening to while I wrote the blog and/or the song I'm pretty much obsessed with at the moment. For the letters, some of the songs may be something between me and the person I'm writing to. I kind of wish I thought about this sooner. I figured I'd kick it off with a little bit of circa survive.

Plus it lets you get to know my musical sense on a more intimate level.

Lets go crazy ;)

But for tonight, good night.

Letter 9 - Someone I Wish I Could Meet

This post is going to seem pretty gay to most people, but I hope you understand why I picked who I picked. I'd like to say I'm a writer, but all I have to my name is a couple of unsung lyrics, some college papers, an article or two, and this blog. I aspire to be one, and I love this guys writing.

Dear Pete Wentz,

Dude you can write. Although I must say you're a huge sellout, you started our a true artist. Some of your lyrics are just fantastic, from Evening Out With Your Girlfriend, to From Under The Cork Tree. Some of your lyrics I would sing over and over again, you're one of the reasons I started writing, writing poems and lyrics. Your poem at the end of Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying is amazing.

"From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How my worst fears are letting out
He said why put a new address
On the same old loneliness
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness
And this is you and me
And me and you
Until we've got nothing left"

-Wentz

You know I think people don't really look into a band like Fall Out Boy. I was all about Fall Out Boy back around 2003. Seen you over ten times live. Its really a shame that you changed so much. I've listen to your stuff before Fall Out Boy. Arma Angelus is amazing, vocally and lyrically, which both you were the front man. You were the lyrical genius behind Fall Out Boy, and in my opinion, Fall Out Boy was one of the best lyrically based bands of this decade. To all you haters, go listen to the band, listen to the words behind the first three albums. Sorry Pete, I really can't vouch for the last two. Folie A Deux sucked. 

From Under the Cork Tree changed my life. And not Dance, Dance or Sugar, We're Going Down, but songs like Of All the Gin Joints in All the World and 7 Minutes in Heaven. Those songs kick ass. You lyrically made them into complete art. 

Another thing I admirer about you is your success. Your married to, debatably, one of the prettiest punk rock divas in Hollywood. You have your own clothing line, and you appear all over the place. Pretty much, your name is widely known and that's only something people dream about. I feel like your a good guy, fun guy. I'd love to spend a day with you, get to find out what your about, what makes you tick. I want to know if you think I have the potential of making it. 

"I found a cure to growing older

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's
So fitting, so fitting of the way you are
You can't cover it up
Can't cover it up"

-Wentz

People call you gay, I call you a genius. Do I think you made some bad decisions musically? Yeah, I think Fall Out Boy took a heavy left turn for the worst. I know Fall Out Boy broke up but I really hope you turn around and start making some good music again. Let me hear you scream again, it ain't bad. 

Just another writer that wishes he was in your shoes,

Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 8 - My Internet Friend

Dear Blaine,

I guess I can consider you my internet friend, since we technically met over the internet. Plus hey it gives me a chance to write to you.

I miss you, come back, give me a hug, you didn't give me a hug before you left. I think that sucks. I don't think I'll ever see you again. I can't just drive up an hour to nowhereville and see you. I know we really didn't see each other that often but it was still possible to see you, to drive to you, now I need a really big boat. I think that sucks.

You've told me so many different things, from how much you love me, to how much you despise me. I'm glad we can stay friends through it all. Through the bad, through the good, through Nancy Drew. God I love Nancy Drew now-a-days. Thank you for giving me a new passion, Nancy Drew.

From time to time, I think to myself, that in a different world, where we live near each other, hell, where you were the girl next door, you wouldn't be in Poland getting married, you'd be here holding my hand. When I think about it from time to time it makes me happy. I know I'm not the most emotional person, or one that gets my feelings across all the time, but I did care about you, even if I didn't show it. I think that sucks.

I love that your following your dreams, and your heart, and your doing something for you for once. But I still think it sucks. I miss my Blaine. I miss texting you all the time and having a good friend that I could always rely on.

Eh maybe in another life.

Keep on two steppin my dear.

Your "internet friend",
Cam




But for tonight, goodnight

Letter 7 - My Ex-Girl Friend

You know, I've been dreading this post for a while, not as much as I'm dreading another post, but I think this one is definitely number two on my most dreaded letter list. I'm picking this girl because she was, more or less, the last girl I was steady and exclusive with. She was the last girl I really fell for, and had strong feelings for. Love? I don't know, but a girl that will stay apart of me forever, even if the feeling isn't mutual. I got my Brand New on, got my Mountain Dew, let's do this.

Dear Stephanie,

It's been like two years since we first met. I remember the day like it was yesterday, is that weird? I thought it was a great night, I remember how gorgeous you were that night. I remember you coming up to me, not believing that I was going to college in a couple months. I had to show you my student ID for you to trust me. I remember drinking a bit with you, I remember kissing you on the steps. I remember asking you if you were okay to drive home, and if you needed me to follow you, of coarse you said no, but you also said that you would come see me at my life guarding job. I remember hoping that it wasn't a one night thing up until you texted me the next day, and visited me a few days after that.

I know things are different now, and we barely talk, but I just wanted you to know that you really made my summer before college an amazing summer. I don't think I had more fun going out with any other girl. You made things interesting, amazing sometimes.

I loved how you came and visited me at college. I love how we rolled into my dorm, drunk as hell, with Taco Bell in our hands kicking out the rest of my roommates.

I guess the what I'm trying to say is that you made me really happy, and thank you for that. You a great person, and gave me memories that I will always remember. Even if things didn't work out, I'm glad it still happened. You taught me a lot, and I think you made myself a better person. I remember I wrote about you briefly before in my blog, it says the same things I'm saying now. That I miss you and I wish we were still friends, because frankly I don't know why we broke up in the first place. Distance? We really didn't fight that often.

In no way is this me trying to get you back, people move on, people become happy. I hope your happy, I really do.

This is me saying thank you, for giving me the time of day that night, and giving me good times after good times. Giving me cute moments after cute moments. Although over, I still cherish them.

I'll never forget singing My Guardian Angel with you.

Your ex,
Cam

P.S. I would of put better pictures up of you and me, but I think you took them all off Facebook.

But for tonight, keep reading because I skipped yesterday. 

Letter 6 - A Stranger

Dear Stranger,

What's you name? Hello, I'm Cam. I guess the best way to describe me is that I'm different. I like to rock. Lets talk, I've got a lot to tell you.

Since about day one, I was into music. My mom told me when she was in the car listening to loud music, I would kick inside her belly. I think that proves that I was destined to fall in love with music, I'm okay with that. Whats life without a little soundtrack on the side?

I like writing, it helps me express whats on the inside. It helps me tell people and myself what I'm really thinking. So what am I really thinking? I'll tell you.

I'm so fed up with my life right now. I want to be as free as I was in college. I don't know if I'll make the right choices yet though, so I'll stick to this life behind guarded doors and annoying chimes. I need a job, to pay for the things I can't even have right now. Gas? Nope don't need that no car. Food? Nope my mommy makes me food. Rent? Nope I live at home. CDs? Nope I illegally download everything. Alcohol? Nope I'm a good boy now.

I want trust, I really do. I want to tell my mom and dad that I'm leaving for the night, and they won't stay up worrying about me. I don't think they did that when I was four hours away, so why now? I think I can get in a lot more trouble there than here. Oh wait, I did.

I'm changing everyday, so the things I tell you now probably won't stick in a month, in a week. I think its for the better. We'll see.

I'm single, it sucks. I don't think I've ever actually said that, it sucks to be single. I've been single for two years and counting, and I pretty much loved every part of it. I liked variety, I want stability. I've got way to much love to be wasting it on one night stands and ladies that don't appreciate it. Hope I can start something new, who knows?

I don't really know where my road is heading, but I know that I'm on the right road now-a-days. I just hope I can stay on it the next time there's a crazy four way intersection. I really hope my road doesn't go to any seven corners type places, I'd be utterly confused. But for now, I'm good trucking along, in my shoes, because that's my only transportation.

Court is coming up in a month, I'll be free of these legal bounds that I have constructed upon myself. Everything will work out, I know it. Right road, right choices, makes for a happy Cam.

Then why aren't I very happy?

Who knows?

Just a complete stranger,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 5 - My Brother

So I just realized that I skipped a letter. Oops. I'm sorry that I didn't write last night. I was going through hell with my computer. Somehow my computer obtained a virus and has to be restored to its original format. Basically I had to back up all my photos and each and everyone of my eleven thousand songs. This took hours. So again I apologize.

Dear Kian,

Man, although you and me don't really show it, I know that we are much closer than people think. All in all we really do have each others backs. I know you love me as much as I love you. I am so happy to see the man you grew up to be, so independent, so extremely moral and right. You really are a guy I strive to be. You do the right thing all the time, and its admirable. You're a great person, you really are.

I know you and me have had our differences, I know you dislike a lot the things I used to do, and still do. I know you look down on a lot of my bad choices, but I'm really happy you've stuck through it with me. I'm happy that you can still give me the time of day and sit down and talk with me. It means a lot to be close to you again, I love you man.

I'm sorry for a lot of the things I've done, and done to you. I'm sorry for lying to you in the beginning, and hiding things for you, but I think in the long run it has helped. You know not to do a lot of the things I've done, "Nah man I ain't ganna do that look what it did to my brother."

I know ten years or so from now you and me will be sitting, having a cold one, maybe watching our kids play, and laugh about all the crazy shit that happened to us. You're going to always be one of my best friends and I'm really happy we have stayed close all these years.

If I had it my way, it would be you and me against the world, and there's no doubt in my mind that we'd win every time.

Much love
Your brother,
Cam


But for tonight, keep reading because I skipped yesterdays letter.

Letter 4 - My Dreams

Just letting you know, I've been rocking out to some classic rock today. Some of the best, Kansas, Steve Miller Band, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Boston, and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Its been a good day, good weather, good music. Had a smile on my face, caught up with my cousin and ran into one of my fraternity brothers. I really miss some of my brothers, we've had some amazing times.

Dear Dreams,

Why are you so hard to get to sometimes? Why is it that even if i pursue some of you, it doesn't seem to work out? Basically its hard living in this shadow that I have created for myself. The shadow that I won't achieve half the things I wanted to. I know I'm young but some of my dreams just seem so hard to reach.

I want to live in a life full of music. If I could do anything in the world, I would want to be a rock star. The music, the lifestyle, the fame, the glory, I want it all. Most of all I want to get my thoughts out there. The reason I stopped putting my lyrics up on this blog is because I saw one of my so called "friends" put my lyrics up on his status. He was letting people compliment him on how well he wrote his lyrics. This really bugged me. I'm fine with you using my ideas and putting them out there, but letting people think that its you, that is just a no no. It gets in the way of my dreams.

I want to write, I want to write so that people will read, and understand where I am coming from. Ever since I started this, I've heard the good and the bad. I enjoy it both, in life there's always going to be haters. So please, if you do read my blog, tell me. Let me know if you love it, hate it, despise it. The best feeling in the world, lately, is when I get a message on Facebook saying how they love my writing style, and that I should keep on writing. If you don't let me know, your hurting my dreams, even if your critique is against me.

I want to be a columnist for a major newspaper or magazine, possibly writing about music. A job at Alternative Press would be the best thing in the world. This blog has only skimmed the surface of my thoughts, I have so much more to say, about politics and religion and other completely controversial topics. I tend to think against the grain of common day society. I think writing is helping with my dreams, I think I'll keep doing it.

I want a family. Now this dream is going to be put off for sometime. I don't mean a family but I want my own family. I don't mean a brotherhood of guys, I have that. I don't mean parents and siblings, I have that. I mean a wife, and kids, someday. I think I'd be a good husband, a good father. I guess time will tell. This is a dream I can put off, but I guess I have to date to semi-pursue it. Calling all girls, I need you so I can get closer to my dreams. I'm just kidding.

I want to own my own place. I don't care if its a club, or a bar, or a restaurant, or a hotel, or anything. I just think that would be an amazing job for me. I'm amazing with people and I think that I would take it seriously enough to make it a successful business. I think this dream is the most realistic. I'll promote or bar tend in DC until I have the resources, the persona, and the capital to pursue. Now I just have to find a job in that field. I should wait till I turn twenty-one first. One year away.

I want to be in love again. I guess that is sort of a dream, isn't it? I do.

Dreams, help me accomplish you. You won't regret it.

Your dreamer,
Cam


But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 3 - My Parents

I figured I should write this letter today, on June 8th, because it is my Dads birthday. I would say how old he is turning but I don't think he'd appreciate it.

Dear Parents,

First of all let me just tell you how grateful am I for you, and how lost I would be without you. Thank you for everything that you have given me, and let me do. Thank you for staying with me through the hard times and not giving up on me. I promise you it will be worth it.

I do apologize for all the heartache I have caused. Since the night I went on a slashing spree to the night I came home from college, I've made many mistakes and you have always been there to correct me and to guide me. Thank you.

Thank you for not losing hope, thank you for dealing with all the drama that I have cause throughout your lives. I know the one wish you have is that I do right by myself, and achieve what you know I can achieve. I know it has taken some time, but I am going to do it. Not for you, because I know you want me to do it for me.

Thank you for teaching me everything that you have to teach, and thank you for staying with me for the ride, I know it hasn't been the easiest of rides. Everything is going to change.

It can't be an instant change, I know, but I will work at it everyday. No more lies, no more illegal actions, no more drama. I know you've heard it before, but it's about time I live up to my end of the bargain.

I love you, thank you, for everything.

Your son,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 2 - My Crush

I feel like writing about "my crush" is extremely elementary. I just started this whole letter idea, so I don't intend to stray away just yet. I don't think I've had a crush since high school. If I see a pretty girl, I notice her, but I wouldn't call her my crush. If I'm interested with a girl, I try to make something out of it. If it works it works, if it doesn't, it doesn't. I wouldn't call that a crush either.

I hope this makes sense though.

Dear Crushes,

I am going to write to each and every one of you. This is one jumbled letter to express how I feel to the girl that sits behind me with a group of girls in sociology, to the blond that smiled at me in front of Starbucks last week, to the girls on Facebook that post sexy lyrics and awesome videos, this is to you.

I guess the best way to describe my crush is by telling you that I notice you, and I think your extremely attractive. I want to get to know you. Not many people know this but I can be quite shy without the social lubricant of alcohol. I doubt I am going to walk up to you and express how I feel about you physically, because frankly I don't know who you are emotionally. I'd love to get to know you, and see if you are a fun person, I'm sure you are. But for now that stays unknown. Hopefully that won't last long.

To the girls of my past that I think about from time to time. I miss you. I guess you could say I still have a crush on you. In no way saying that I am still in love, if that what it was in the first place. But I do miss you. I miss driving with you with your hand on my hand while we sang songs to our favorite artists. I miss going to concerts and dancing with you. I miss sitting in public places just chatting, enjoying the sun. I miss the back seat, I miss laying with you, holding you. I miss saying I love you to you, I do.

This isn't an invitation to start another relationship anew, its just the truth.

To the girls throughout college, I apologize for being such a douche. I'm sorry for being an ass, because I did care about you. The kisses weren't blind and meaningless, I'll always remember them, I'll remember the movie nights and the sun rises on my roof with cigarettes in our mouths after an amazing party. I will always remember the night trips to the beach, dancing in the sand at 2 a.m.

I would write to the girls of the present, but they are non-existent. But to all my crushes, I want to get to know you, and I miss you.

I'll always miss you.

Just that guy,
Cam

But for tonight, stay tuned because I'm writing one more.

Letter 1 - Best Friend

First of all, I personally think I have many best friends. I have all my cousins, my brother, and some really close friends that I've kept in touch with and been around for years. So if you get offended that I didn't write to you I am completely sorry, its not that your not my best friend it is because you probably don't have the history like me and this person does. To my brother and cousins, it is because I really can't choose one of you, so I strayed away from family ties.

Dear Emily,

I'd just like to say damn, life has sure been one hell of a ride. You know better than anyone else how many ups and downs both you and I have shared. Although you tend to love burning bridges, our bridge has stayed intact. I really appreciate all the times you've been there for me, listened to me. I really enjoy spending time with you even though it usually is comprised of sitting, talking about how bored we are, and listening to music with the occasional cigarette in our mouths.

I hope you know how much you mean to me, because I don't think I've ever held a friendship for close to six years and kept this close. Sure we go through moments when we don't speak for a month or two, but when we do talk its like we never stopped talking. We never broke ties for any specific reason, we just lived separate only to know that in time we'd just reconnect again. 

One thing that I love about us is that it is never complicated. We don't hook up or try to start something between us and it makes you and me a perfect combination to hang out and kick it. If we are walking through the mall I hear you telling me how cute that guy was and you'll listen to me express out sexy I thought the girl who just passed was. And it is totally acceptable for you and me to do this, its a great relief. You tend no to judge me and give me with good advice.

You've been in my life for quite a long time, and I'm extremely grateful for it. There is no doubt in my mind that we are going to stay close for years to come.

Your best friend,
Cam

For tonight, goodnight.

Letter 0 - Some Good Ideas to Keep Up

I stumbled onto this idea, this blog. Said for the month of June the certain person was going to write a letter to a different person each day or a couple a day. I absolutely loved this idea and I'm hijacking it. Since I'm a person the tends to stick to his own pace I'm going to alter the idea. Instead of doing it each day for thirty days, I am going to do it here and there, but at the end there will be thirty letters regardless. I may skip a few days and blog about certain other topics but I am going to write a letter every so often to the person that appears on the list.

And here's the list.

Letter 1 — Best Friend
Letter 2 — Your Crush
Letter 3 — Your parents
Letter 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Letter 5 — Your dreams
Letter 6 — A stranger
Letter 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Letter 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Letter 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Letter 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Letter 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Letter 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Letter 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Letter 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Letter 15 — The person you miss the most
Letter 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Letter 17 — Someone from your childhood
Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Letter 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Letter 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Letter 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Letter 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Letter 23 — The last person you kissed
Letter 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Letter 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Letter 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Letter 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Letter 28 — Someone that changed your life
Letter 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Letter 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I'll do the first letter tonight, to my best friend. I also decided that, if need be, I'll write an explanation before each letter.

I'm really looking forward to a couple of these letters, and some really scare me.

But until tonight,  

Give Me a Reason to Respond

Not many things really bother me, but one thing really does. Just because it has absolutely no relevance in my life. It makes nothing better, nothing worse. It is just completely pointless.

Those one word, meaningless text messages I get from random people throughout the day.

I'm not talking about those one word text messages that you get from you significant other which pretty much means you've screwed up somehow.

I'm not talking about the little "I love you"s or the "I miss you"s. Those I really enjoy.

I'm talking about they "hey what's up"... "nothing I'm bored"..."just at the grocery store".

I'm really sorry, I really don't care. Why did you text me. Do you want to see me? Do you want to know about my life? Is there an issue you want me to listen to because I am all ears? No? Why did you text me?

I pay for unlimited text messages, I don't even mind the time it takes me to take out my phone and respond, but I don't really know what to say to "I'm at the grocery store" Did you find twenty dollars and want to split a burrito at Chipotle?

I don't get people sometimes.

I remember back when I was at ODU I met this girl named, lets call her Amanda. She was a cool girl, seemed really into me. Very pretty girl and I remember the first time I saw her she walked right up to me said I was cute and give me a nice kiss. Quite random at a populated party but refreshingly real. I like that in a girl. You probably going to take that as "Camron likes sluts who kiss him the first time they see him at parties." No that's not it at all. I like how she was real about thinking I was attractive and not being one of the girls that I can't figure out to save myself. Much to my dismay she changed into one of those girls. Later she would flirt with me in person, one on one, but around other people she sort of changed. Hard to explain it but she just got extremely weird, almost anti Camron. Hey, maybe I'm just one of those guys that girls like to keep on the down low.

I don't get that.

I've been talking to this one girl recently, nothing serious, just talking. I took this vow that I'm not going to really hook up with a girl till it means something. So far I've been doing pretty well at it. I told this girl this and she was all about it. When we hung out all she wanted to do was kiss me and try to get with me. I declined surprisingly and haven't heard from her since.

I don't get that.

The same girl was posting comments on my wall a couple weeks ago. They were cute comments that made me feel like someone cared again. It was fun to read comments like that again. One night, late, a girl that ended it with me a few months back called me asking about the comments and who's the girl. I explained to her the circumstance and she said she was jealous. This is the girl that I really had no idea why she ended it with me. She now tells me shes jealous, I'm so confused.

I don't get that.

This picture makes sense.

But for tonight, goodnight.

I Tend to Breakdown

I've been listening to Enter Shikari none stop. I'd just like to let everyone know.

I love to breakdown. My music taste is very much pointing to a hardcore sense. I love bands that get into it and breakdown. I love to mosh at a great show and get physical with the guy right next to me just to shake hands afterwords in complete awe of the show. I saw Asking Alexandria and We Came As Romans a little less than a month ago and it was absolutely amazing. If you don't like this kind of music, I'm very sorry. You are missing out. There's a sense of power in a good breakdown, sometimes followed by an even more powerful solo. Breakdowns in the beginning, in the middle, in the end. It's an amazing time of the song just to go crazy and express who you really are. Throw a fist, hit the guy next to you by accident. Dance like a complete fool, its acceptable, hell I do it all the time. Electro break downs are fantastic in their own way. Do a quick two step and move like you're embarrassed to. It's acceptable.

As much as I love talking about music, and how easy it flows out of me I want to talk about another kind of breakdown. An emotional breakdown.

I'm debating whether or not to write about this, because no one knows this about about me. This blog is supposed to chip away at the wall I put around myself, and just express honesty so here I go.

From time to time, I have some intense emotional breakdowns. I cry. When I start it just all comes out, and I'm sorry for the people around me because it looks pretty pathetic. I just let tears loose and sometimes for the most minuscule reasons.

Yesterday I broke down. It all came out, everything happening with my community service and this probation. The fact I don't have money to rely on, that I'm a nuisance to my parents. I don't have much of a social life and I just don't function like I used to. I defined myself as a party boy, and whats a party boy who doesn't party do? I spend the majority of my time sitting at my computer, watching old episode of girly television shows. (Yes, I watch many, not just because the girls are quite attractive, but because I really enjoy watching them. Ask me about it, the list of shows I watch goes for awhile.)

I broke down for a small reason yesterday. It was because I wanted a spicy chicken sandwich and didn't get it. I sound like a four year old kid, crying over a spicy chicken sandwich, but I guess the best reason I can to explain it is that I've given up so much, why must I give up my weekly chicken sandwich. God I love that spicy chicken sandwich so much. Its so much built up, and that spicy chicken sandwich just put it over the top.

Its very embarrassing. But that is the way I express myself once in a blue moon. I don't want to give the impression that I'm a cry baby and that if things don't go my way the spoiled brat inside of me goes crazy till I do. But I do breakdown every once in awhile. It sucks but it happens.

Somethings I can change about who I am, but other things I just can't. I think this is one of them, sometimes it really just needs to come out.

But for tonight, goodnight.