Letter 15 - The Person I Miss The Most

First off I just like to apologize for how many times that I change the subject of the topic to benefit me. For example when I wrote a letter to my crush, I wrote it to all the girls that I think are attractive, because I really can't focus on one girl I have feelings for right now, she doesn't exist. The person I miss the most, I miss so many people, how can I even think about focusing on one person. So I'm going to do this.

Dear Ex Life,

I miss partying, and freedom. I miss all my college friends that didn't have a care in the world and were brought together for one focus, to have fun. It almost always involved alcohol, and other drugs of sorts, but one common goal, to forget the past week and focus on the next. I miss playing beer pong with my fraternity brothers, listening to our favorite songs over and over again. I miss chilling on my deck with hundreds of other people, knowing that in some sort of way, I got them all together.

I miss long talks, about how life is going to be alright. I miss sitting out in front of my house, watching people walk down the road. I miss seeing my friends every single day, I miss having something to do all the time. I miss the girls, oh how I miss the girls.

Most of all I miss the freedom. I miss being able to have a cigarette at three in the morning, without having to crawl out my window trying not to wake anyone. I miss being able to invite special people over, anytime I wanted, to do certain things. I miss not having to ask anyone if I wanted to go out.

I miss drinking, I miss having a reason to be stupid. I could fall on my face, get up, say I'm fine, and blame it on the booz.  I miss having BAC competitions with my roommates, I miss beating them at BAC competitions. Yes, this means we had a breathalyzer and we competed on who could blow higher. I miss partying, I miss being close to all my friends.

I miss being as skinny as I was.

I know this sounds quite hypocritical of me. Saying I miss all these things. If you didn't know, I quit drinking, and partying. I'm trying to walk the right path for once in my life. That doesn't mean I don't miss it. It kind of means I miss it more.

I'll get my freedom back one day, and I'll party like I used to. Hopefully way more responsibly.

You ex self,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight

Letter 14 - Someone I've Drifted From

Dear Dani,

We talked today on the phone, but I had you name picked for this letter for awhile now. I don't think a simple phone call is going to change the fact that we have drifted away incredibly. Its extremely regrettable in my eyes, and I wish it didn't happen, but hey that's life.

I looked up the definition for best friend up online, see what other people thought.

The first one says this - The one friend who is the closest to you.

I hate that answer, because its rare to have exactly one best friends.

The next one is asked, "What is the definition of "best friend" because I have more than one? Is it possible to have more than one best friend?" and the reply was " Yes, you can have tons of best friends, I do. A best friend is a person you can trust, someone you can tell your secrets to and they can keep it a secret, someone to cheer you up when you're sad and someone that's always there for you."

I like that one a lot better. According to that definition, we were definitely best friends in my eyes. Sure, we were romantic at time, and between you and me, I'll always have a little something something for you. But it sucks, to lose someone that you considered your best friend to something like a split up in an affectionate sense. You were someone that I could always talk to, and really enjoy talking to, although usually utterly flirty.

It always sucks to loose a relationship, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but you were one of my best friends. Did we hang out everyday, and do best friend things? No, but there was always emotional support from you, it really helped get me through some rough things.


Most of my relationships started with a kiss, or a holding of the hand. My relationship with you started with a friendship, one that I believed turned into a beautiful one. We used to stay up until wee hours in the morning talking about whatever our hearts concerned. We would argue, gracefully, and agree about most everything. Even when we weren't romantic, we still shared times, sitting in a car listening to music, or sitting on swings together, getting eaten alive my misquotes, talking about our current boyfriend and girlfriend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really regret not keeping as close to you over the years. I also regret not trying harder to get you to realize that even if we aren't together in a relationship, we can still be close friends. You know I wouldn't dream of compromising your relationship with your significant other, and I know you would never try to ruin any of my potential relationships.


And frankly if any girl told me I couldn't be friends with you because of jealousy, I'd tell her to get over it. I think you know I've done that once before, wouldn't hesitate to do it again.


You friend,
Cam


But for tonight, goodnight.

Ideas

Since I have ideas come to me during the day. If I'm lucking I text it to myself so I can write about it later. Since I'm really into writing these letters, I'd figure every so often I'll just throw up my ideas onto a quick blog that I can  look at later, and write and expand on.

-Vampires
-The zombie apocalypse
-Girls that get the wrong impression when you tell them exactly what to expect before sexual encounters.
-True friends / party friends
-My hookah bar business idea

I think those will be fun to write about.

Letter 13 - Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me

A lot of these letters should be to the same person. I could write this to my brother, or my parents. I could write this to many people, but some on the top of my list, are going to be written about, or have been written about. I know many people that I have wronged, and to grab on in particular would be a dishonor to the ones I wouldn't write to. To write to just one would be wrong, I need a lot of forgiveness, I haven't been the best person in many different cases. So I guess I'm sorry.

Dear Everyone,

This could be a letter telling you sorry for everything that I've done, or a beg for forgiveness, but it won't be just that. Do I ask for you forgiveness? Yes, with all my heart, but you know the wrongs I've committed to you, and a list of reasons why I am sorry isn't going to be very productive. More so an explanation to some of the the wrongs I've caused.

My lies, they tend to hurt people. For everyone that I have lied to, big or small, I hope you can forgive me. I lived in a bubble that I created for myself, a reality that I conjured for myself. Somethings I would say would be false, and untrue. It took a lot for me to change that, and I'm still working at it everyday. I believe I have worked it down to just bullshitting about little small things, equivalent to saying that you're at dinner when you're not to a telemarketer. Some people call it a white lie, but its still a lie. The only way to get better is to eliminate it all once and for all. It's much like an alcoholic, just one beer isn't okay for an alcoholic, neither is one lie for me. Like I said, I'm working at it, and it will go away.

Someday my life will be perfect, and there will be no reason to lie. That is what I strive for.

I guess everything that I've done wrong, one way or another, always tie back to how I lied. Mostly to my parents, but also to the girls I've hurt. The girls that see a relationship with me and I string them on until I get bored. It was an awful habit, and trust me, that, more than anything else, has been taken care of. I ask everyone I've hurt, in a romantic manor, for forgiveness.

I'm a flirt, it runs in the family I suppose. I'm sorry for everyone that gets the wrong impression. I don't mean to hurt you, or anyone.

Today I read an email from a girl in my psychology class, she asked if anyone could record the class that she will be missing, and that they would be compensated for it through cash. I responded to the email, said I could do it without compensation. I feel like if I start doing nice things, one by one, maybe my karma will change. I've done so much wrong to people, that I really need to start working on my right. I just hope I still have a chance to prove that I'm not the same person to my friends and the people I love.

To everyone I have lied to, or hurt, I am sorry, and beg for your forgiveness.

Your screw up,
Cam

But for tonight, I'm going to write a couple more.

Letter 12 - The Person That I Hate The Most

This letter stumped me, I do hate things, but I don't hate many people. For the most part I try to get over first impressions and look past mistakes. I forgive far too easy and let people in faster than I should. Some people call that a weakness, some people call it a curse. I think that if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have experienced half the things I have experienced. I guess, the people I hate the most, are haters. So this is for you haters.

Dear Haters,

I hate you. I despise that you hide behind anonymous posts and far spread rumors. I can't stand how you judge me, and make opinions about me before you give me the time of day. Sure, I'm an immature guy, I know that. You shouldn't jump to conclusions. So to each and everyone of you, the ones who called me gay, the ones that said I was a player, the one that pass me and laugh, I hate you.

I really can't pin point one of you that I hate the most, because you are all equally unimportant and pathetic in my book. To judge someone before you get to know them, its just wrong. I may not be the most attractive guy, or the most athletic, or the most creative, but I'm not the least either. I share a lot of love, with a lot of people, and frankly, your missing out. I feel sorry for you, I've gotten extremely close with some amazing people and they look past my faults, or confront my faults to me, to my face. Learn something from them.

I've said this before but I've put up a wall, a sort of cocoon that I hide behind. That wall is usually let down to the people who actually get to know me, so what right do you have to judge me, when you haven't gotten to know me, or even tried.

I went to college, I was a small fish in a big pond. I met new people, started a new life, become a new person. People still judge me, I guess you haters will always be around. I take it as a compliment, there must be a reason why you hate on me. Jealousy? I wouldn't understand why anyone would just purely hate me, I really don't cause many wrongs to people. If anything, I do my best to help my friends and acquaintances. Stop hating, put down your guard, get to know me. If you have something to say or critique then I'll listen, in a heartbeat, but don't waste your anonymous hate on ears that won't listen, because you don't deserve them to.

I ask you this haters, if you reading, confront me. Comment, send me a message on Facebook, don't hide behind anonymity, give me a name, and give me a reason why you hate me. I'd love to hear from you, and maybe answer why I act the certain ways I do. I bet none of you will, you are all fake and wrong. You make the world a worse place, with your misplaces rumors and incorrect judgements.

Not just on me, but on everyone else. Stop, love, don't hate.

I'll hate on the haters any day.

The guy you hate,
The guy who hates you,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 11 - A Deceased Person I Wish I Could Talk To

The reason this blog is coming out so late at night is because I really couldn't think of anything. Most of these letters have been directed to people before my college experiences. I think that I was much more myself before I went to college, I was a lot closer to my friends before college, I was a better person. So naturally I thought of people that past away before I went to college and narrowed it down to my grandfather. The thing about that, though, is that I really don't know what I would share with my grandfather. We were never extremely close and he doesn't know the guy I grew to, he doesn't know the mistakes I've made. I didn't want to write a letter to him explaining who I am now to him, I'm sure he's watching over me and knows who I am.

This lead me to think forward to college. Last December one of my pledge brothers took his own life, and I miss him. There's a lot that was unsaid and there's a lot of questions I have for him.

Dear Ray,

What happened man, what made life take such a turn for the worst that you had to do what you did? I remember only a few days before I heard the news I texted you, saying happy Gamma Mu Day, and you replied wishing you were here with us. I told you next year, and you replied definitely.

I know you and me weren't the closest of pledge brothers, but you were like a big brother to me, and a lot of the other pledge brothers. You were older and, in a sense, looked over us. We called you grandpa for a reason, and it wasn't just your age.

You were a fantastic guy, and an even better brother. You stood strong in the trenches with us, and made it through without a hitch. It just really blows my mind.

Its the fact that you aren't around anymore. I've never lost someone, not the same way I've lost you. Like I said, I know we were not the closest of brothers, but I always thought you were going to be around. At least a phone call or text away. It just really sucks. We were a strong seventeen, and we will always be a strong seventeen, but one of the links, as strong as it was, left us, and made the chain a little shorter.

I was looking for pictures of us, and there really isn't any. I wish we took a good picture together Ray.

I'll always miss you.

Your brother,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 10 - Someone I Don't Talk To As Much As I'd Like To

Dear Ilya,

I miss you man. I wish we didn't drift so far apart, I'm not quite sure the reasoning, but its life and sometimes you just have to deal with it. We had some good days though, filled with jacks and air soft guns. Spent a whole summer chilling by a pool, kickin' it hardcore. That was a good summer man, I'm glad we got close.

You've told me many times that you didn't like me before you got to know me, and I'm glad you did, no homo. Do you remember the time we got straight raided by the cops at Chipotle because they thought we had guns pointed at people? Little did they know that we stashed our air soft guns in my trunk real quick right before hand.

I remember rolling through Vienna, windows down, just kickin' it all summer. We would hit up Friends if we had nothing else to do, but usually we found something to do, someway to get in trouble. Sneaking your ass out to party at hotels.

Prom man, how gay was that. We got all ready to sneak out or have our dates over but we ended up passing out to that one movie. Chuck and Larry right? That night was fun regardless.

Thanks for having my back all those years, you were always one of my best friends bro. Thank you for finally making it down to ODU two semesters ago. You and me took the best beer pong players I know, not only took them, but skunked them. Too bad we lost to girls right after.

Man although we drifted apart the past couple of years, Your still one of my best friends, because your real. You know who you are and you know what you want. You don't fake, if you didn't think something was right you'd tell me. You were real with me and I respect the hell out of that.You a great guy man, and you going live a good life, you have character, and morals. Your the real deal bro.

You boy,
Cam

Break From Letters

This will be a very short entry just to let you know about a new feature I added to my blog. Every post I will add a song to the playlist located at the top of the blog page. The song is most probably the song that I was listening to while I wrote the blog and/or the song I'm pretty much obsessed with at the moment. For the letters, some of the songs may be something between me and the person I'm writing to. I kind of wish I thought about this sooner. I figured I'd kick it off with a little bit of circa survive.

Plus it lets you get to know my musical sense on a more intimate level.

Lets go crazy ;)

But for tonight, good night.

Letter 9 - Someone I Wish I Could Meet

This post is going to seem pretty gay to most people, but I hope you understand why I picked who I picked. I'd like to say I'm a writer, but all I have to my name is a couple of unsung lyrics, some college papers, an article or two, and this blog. I aspire to be one, and I love this guys writing.

Dear Pete Wentz,

Dude you can write. Although I must say you're a huge sellout, you started our a true artist. Some of your lyrics are just fantastic, from Evening Out With Your Girlfriend, to From Under The Cork Tree. Some of your lyrics I would sing over and over again, you're one of the reasons I started writing, writing poems and lyrics. Your poem at the end of Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying is amazing.

"From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How my worst fears are letting out
He said why put a new address
On the same old loneliness
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness
And this is you and me
And me and you
Until we've got nothing left"

-Wentz

You know I think people don't really look into a band like Fall Out Boy. I was all about Fall Out Boy back around 2003. Seen you over ten times live. Its really a shame that you changed so much. I've listen to your stuff before Fall Out Boy. Arma Angelus is amazing, vocally and lyrically, which both you were the front man. You were the lyrical genius behind Fall Out Boy, and in my opinion, Fall Out Boy was one of the best lyrically based bands of this decade. To all you haters, go listen to the band, listen to the words behind the first three albums. Sorry Pete, I really can't vouch for the last two. Folie A Deux sucked. 

From Under the Cork Tree changed my life. And not Dance, Dance or Sugar, We're Going Down, but songs like Of All the Gin Joints in All the World and 7 Minutes in Heaven. Those songs kick ass. You lyrically made them into complete art. 

Another thing I admirer about you is your success. Your married to, debatably, one of the prettiest punk rock divas in Hollywood. You have your own clothing line, and you appear all over the place. Pretty much, your name is widely known and that's only something people dream about. I feel like your a good guy, fun guy. I'd love to spend a day with you, get to find out what your about, what makes you tick. I want to know if you think I have the potential of making it. 

"I found a cure to growing older

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's
So fitting, so fitting of the way you are
You can't cover it up
Can't cover it up"

-Wentz

People call you gay, I call you a genius. Do I think you made some bad decisions musically? Yeah, I think Fall Out Boy took a heavy left turn for the worst. I know Fall Out Boy broke up but I really hope you turn around and start making some good music again. Let me hear you scream again, it ain't bad. 

Just another writer that wishes he was in your shoes,

Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 8 - My Internet Friend

Dear Blaine,

I guess I can consider you my internet friend, since we technically met over the internet. Plus hey it gives me a chance to write to you.

I miss you, come back, give me a hug, you didn't give me a hug before you left. I think that sucks. I don't think I'll ever see you again. I can't just drive up an hour to nowhereville and see you. I know we really didn't see each other that often but it was still possible to see you, to drive to you, now I need a really big boat. I think that sucks.

You've told me so many different things, from how much you love me, to how much you despise me. I'm glad we can stay friends through it all. Through the bad, through the good, through Nancy Drew. God I love Nancy Drew now-a-days. Thank you for giving me a new passion, Nancy Drew.

From time to time, I think to myself, that in a different world, where we live near each other, hell, where you were the girl next door, you wouldn't be in Poland getting married, you'd be here holding my hand. When I think about it from time to time it makes me happy. I know I'm not the most emotional person, or one that gets my feelings across all the time, but I did care about you, even if I didn't show it. I think that sucks.

I love that your following your dreams, and your heart, and your doing something for you for once. But I still think it sucks. I miss my Blaine. I miss texting you all the time and having a good friend that I could always rely on.

Eh maybe in another life.

Keep on two steppin my dear.

Your "internet friend",
Cam




But for tonight, goodnight

Letter 7 - My Ex-Girl Friend

You know, I've been dreading this post for a while, not as much as I'm dreading another post, but I think this one is definitely number two on my most dreaded letter list. I'm picking this girl because she was, more or less, the last girl I was steady and exclusive with. She was the last girl I really fell for, and had strong feelings for. Love? I don't know, but a girl that will stay apart of me forever, even if the feeling isn't mutual. I got my Brand New on, got my Mountain Dew, let's do this.

Dear Stephanie,

It's been like two years since we first met. I remember the day like it was yesterday, is that weird? I thought it was a great night, I remember how gorgeous you were that night. I remember you coming up to me, not believing that I was going to college in a couple months. I had to show you my student ID for you to trust me. I remember drinking a bit with you, I remember kissing you on the steps. I remember asking you if you were okay to drive home, and if you needed me to follow you, of coarse you said no, but you also said that you would come see me at my life guarding job. I remember hoping that it wasn't a one night thing up until you texted me the next day, and visited me a few days after that.

I know things are different now, and we barely talk, but I just wanted you to know that you really made my summer before college an amazing summer. I don't think I had more fun going out with any other girl. You made things interesting, amazing sometimes.

I loved how you came and visited me at college. I love how we rolled into my dorm, drunk as hell, with Taco Bell in our hands kicking out the rest of my roommates.

I guess the what I'm trying to say is that you made me really happy, and thank you for that. You a great person, and gave me memories that I will always remember. Even if things didn't work out, I'm glad it still happened. You taught me a lot, and I think you made myself a better person. I remember I wrote about you briefly before in my blog, it says the same things I'm saying now. That I miss you and I wish we were still friends, because frankly I don't know why we broke up in the first place. Distance? We really didn't fight that often.

In no way is this me trying to get you back, people move on, people become happy. I hope your happy, I really do.

This is me saying thank you, for giving me the time of day that night, and giving me good times after good times. Giving me cute moments after cute moments. Although over, I still cherish them.

I'll never forget singing My Guardian Angel with you.

Your ex,
Cam

P.S. I would of put better pictures up of you and me, but I think you took them all off Facebook.

But for tonight, keep reading because I skipped yesterday. 

Letter 6 - A Stranger

Dear Stranger,

What's you name? Hello, I'm Cam. I guess the best way to describe me is that I'm different. I like to rock. Lets talk, I've got a lot to tell you.

Since about day one, I was into music. My mom told me when she was in the car listening to loud music, I would kick inside her belly. I think that proves that I was destined to fall in love with music, I'm okay with that. Whats life without a little soundtrack on the side?

I like writing, it helps me express whats on the inside. It helps me tell people and myself what I'm really thinking. So what am I really thinking? I'll tell you.

I'm so fed up with my life right now. I want to be as free as I was in college. I don't know if I'll make the right choices yet though, so I'll stick to this life behind guarded doors and annoying chimes. I need a job, to pay for the things I can't even have right now. Gas? Nope don't need that no car. Food? Nope my mommy makes me food. Rent? Nope I live at home. CDs? Nope I illegally download everything. Alcohol? Nope I'm a good boy now.

I want trust, I really do. I want to tell my mom and dad that I'm leaving for the night, and they won't stay up worrying about me. I don't think they did that when I was four hours away, so why now? I think I can get in a lot more trouble there than here. Oh wait, I did.

I'm changing everyday, so the things I tell you now probably won't stick in a month, in a week. I think its for the better. We'll see.

I'm single, it sucks. I don't think I've ever actually said that, it sucks to be single. I've been single for two years and counting, and I pretty much loved every part of it. I liked variety, I want stability. I've got way to much love to be wasting it on one night stands and ladies that don't appreciate it. Hope I can start something new, who knows?

I don't really know where my road is heading, but I know that I'm on the right road now-a-days. I just hope I can stay on it the next time there's a crazy four way intersection. I really hope my road doesn't go to any seven corners type places, I'd be utterly confused. But for now, I'm good trucking along, in my shoes, because that's my only transportation.

Court is coming up in a month, I'll be free of these legal bounds that I have constructed upon myself. Everything will work out, I know it. Right road, right choices, makes for a happy Cam.

Then why aren't I very happy?

Who knows?

Just a complete stranger,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 5 - My Brother

So I just realized that I skipped a letter. Oops. I'm sorry that I didn't write last night. I was going through hell with my computer. Somehow my computer obtained a virus and has to be restored to its original format. Basically I had to back up all my photos and each and everyone of my eleven thousand songs. This took hours. So again I apologize.

Dear Kian,

Man, although you and me don't really show it, I know that we are much closer than people think. All in all we really do have each others backs. I know you love me as much as I love you. I am so happy to see the man you grew up to be, so independent, so extremely moral and right. You really are a guy I strive to be. You do the right thing all the time, and its admirable. You're a great person, you really are.

I know you and me have had our differences, I know you dislike a lot the things I used to do, and still do. I know you look down on a lot of my bad choices, but I'm really happy you've stuck through it with me. I'm happy that you can still give me the time of day and sit down and talk with me. It means a lot to be close to you again, I love you man.

I'm sorry for a lot of the things I've done, and done to you. I'm sorry for lying to you in the beginning, and hiding things for you, but I think in the long run it has helped. You know not to do a lot of the things I've done, "Nah man I ain't ganna do that look what it did to my brother."

I know ten years or so from now you and me will be sitting, having a cold one, maybe watching our kids play, and laugh about all the crazy shit that happened to us. You're going to always be one of my best friends and I'm really happy we have stayed close all these years.

If I had it my way, it would be you and me against the world, and there's no doubt in my mind that we'd win every time.

Much love
Your brother,
Cam


But for tonight, keep reading because I skipped yesterdays letter.

Letter 4 - My Dreams

Just letting you know, I've been rocking out to some classic rock today. Some of the best, Kansas, Steve Miller Band, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Boston, and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Its been a good day, good weather, good music. Had a smile on my face, caught up with my cousin and ran into one of my fraternity brothers. I really miss some of my brothers, we've had some amazing times.

Dear Dreams,

Why are you so hard to get to sometimes? Why is it that even if i pursue some of you, it doesn't seem to work out? Basically its hard living in this shadow that I have created for myself. The shadow that I won't achieve half the things I wanted to. I know I'm young but some of my dreams just seem so hard to reach.

I want to live in a life full of music. If I could do anything in the world, I would want to be a rock star. The music, the lifestyle, the fame, the glory, I want it all. Most of all I want to get my thoughts out there. The reason I stopped putting my lyrics up on this blog is because I saw one of my so called "friends" put my lyrics up on his status. He was letting people compliment him on how well he wrote his lyrics. This really bugged me. I'm fine with you using my ideas and putting them out there, but letting people think that its you, that is just a no no. It gets in the way of my dreams.

I want to write, I want to write so that people will read, and understand where I am coming from. Ever since I started this, I've heard the good and the bad. I enjoy it both, in life there's always going to be haters. So please, if you do read my blog, tell me. Let me know if you love it, hate it, despise it. The best feeling in the world, lately, is when I get a message on Facebook saying how they love my writing style, and that I should keep on writing. If you don't let me know, your hurting my dreams, even if your critique is against me.

I want to be a columnist for a major newspaper or magazine, possibly writing about music. A job at Alternative Press would be the best thing in the world. This blog has only skimmed the surface of my thoughts, I have so much more to say, about politics and religion and other completely controversial topics. I tend to think against the grain of common day society. I think writing is helping with my dreams, I think I'll keep doing it.

I want a family. Now this dream is going to be put off for sometime. I don't mean a family but I want my own family. I don't mean a brotherhood of guys, I have that. I don't mean parents and siblings, I have that. I mean a wife, and kids, someday. I think I'd be a good husband, a good father. I guess time will tell. This is a dream I can put off, but I guess I have to date to semi-pursue it. Calling all girls, I need you so I can get closer to my dreams. I'm just kidding.

I want to own my own place. I don't care if its a club, or a bar, or a restaurant, or a hotel, or anything. I just think that would be an amazing job for me. I'm amazing with people and I think that I would take it seriously enough to make it a successful business. I think this dream is the most realistic. I'll promote or bar tend in DC until I have the resources, the persona, and the capital to pursue. Now I just have to find a job in that field. I should wait till I turn twenty-one first. One year away.

I want to be in love again. I guess that is sort of a dream, isn't it? I do.

Dreams, help me accomplish you. You won't regret it.

Your dreamer,
Cam


But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 3 - My Parents

I figured I should write this letter today, on June 8th, because it is my Dads birthday. I would say how old he is turning but I don't think he'd appreciate it.

Dear Parents,

First of all let me just tell you how grateful am I for you, and how lost I would be without you. Thank you for everything that you have given me, and let me do. Thank you for staying with me through the hard times and not giving up on me. I promise you it will be worth it.

I do apologize for all the heartache I have caused. Since the night I went on a slashing spree to the night I came home from college, I've made many mistakes and you have always been there to correct me and to guide me. Thank you.

Thank you for not losing hope, thank you for dealing with all the drama that I have cause throughout your lives. I know the one wish you have is that I do right by myself, and achieve what you know I can achieve. I know it has taken some time, but I am going to do it. Not for you, because I know you want me to do it for me.

Thank you for teaching me everything that you have to teach, and thank you for staying with me for the ride, I know it hasn't been the easiest of rides. Everything is going to change.

It can't be an instant change, I know, but I will work at it everyday. No more lies, no more illegal actions, no more drama. I know you've heard it before, but it's about time I live up to my end of the bargain.

I love you, thank you, for everything.

Your son,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 2 - My Crush

I feel like writing about "my crush" is extremely elementary. I just started this whole letter idea, so I don't intend to stray away just yet. I don't think I've had a crush since high school. If I see a pretty girl, I notice her, but I wouldn't call her my crush. If I'm interested with a girl, I try to make something out of it. If it works it works, if it doesn't, it doesn't. I wouldn't call that a crush either.

I hope this makes sense though.

Dear Crushes,

I am going to write to each and every one of you. This is one jumbled letter to express how I feel to the girl that sits behind me with a group of girls in sociology, to the blond that smiled at me in front of Starbucks last week, to the girls on Facebook that post sexy lyrics and awesome videos, this is to you.

I guess the best way to describe my crush is by telling you that I notice you, and I think your extremely attractive. I want to get to know you. Not many people know this but I can be quite shy without the social lubricant of alcohol. I doubt I am going to walk up to you and express how I feel about you physically, because frankly I don't know who you are emotionally. I'd love to get to know you, and see if you are a fun person, I'm sure you are. But for now that stays unknown. Hopefully that won't last long.

To the girls of my past that I think about from time to time. I miss you. I guess you could say I still have a crush on you. In no way saying that I am still in love, if that what it was in the first place. But I do miss you. I miss driving with you with your hand on my hand while we sang songs to our favorite artists. I miss going to concerts and dancing with you. I miss sitting in public places just chatting, enjoying the sun. I miss the back seat, I miss laying with you, holding you. I miss saying I love you to you, I do.

This isn't an invitation to start another relationship anew, its just the truth.

To the girls throughout college, I apologize for being such a douche. I'm sorry for being an ass, because I did care about you. The kisses weren't blind and meaningless, I'll always remember them, I'll remember the movie nights and the sun rises on my roof with cigarettes in our mouths after an amazing party. I will always remember the night trips to the beach, dancing in the sand at 2 a.m.

I would write to the girls of the present, but they are non-existent. But to all my crushes, I want to get to know you, and I miss you.

I'll always miss you.

Just that guy,
Cam

But for tonight, stay tuned because I'm writing one more.

Letter 1 - Best Friend

First of all, I personally think I have many best friends. I have all my cousins, my brother, and some really close friends that I've kept in touch with and been around for years. So if you get offended that I didn't write to you I am completely sorry, its not that your not my best friend it is because you probably don't have the history like me and this person does. To my brother and cousins, it is because I really can't choose one of you, so I strayed away from family ties.

Dear Emily,

I'd just like to say damn, life has sure been one hell of a ride. You know better than anyone else how many ups and downs both you and I have shared. Although you tend to love burning bridges, our bridge has stayed intact. I really appreciate all the times you've been there for me, listened to me. I really enjoy spending time with you even though it usually is comprised of sitting, talking about how bored we are, and listening to music with the occasional cigarette in our mouths.

I hope you know how much you mean to me, because I don't think I've ever held a friendship for close to six years and kept this close. Sure we go through moments when we don't speak for a month or two, but when we do talk its like we never stopped talking. We never broke ties for any specific reason, we just lived separate only to know that in time we'd just reconnect again. 

One thing that I love about us is that it is never complicated. We don't hook up or try to start something between us and it makes you and me a perfect combination to hang out and kick it. If we are walking through the mall I hear you telling me how cute that guy was and you'll listen to me express out sexy I thought the girl who just passed was. And it is totally acceptable for you and me to do this, its a great relief. You tend no to judge me and give me with good advice.

You've been in my life for quite a long time, and I'm extremely grateful for it. There is no doubt in my mind that we are going to stay close for years to come.

Your best friend,
Cam

For tonight, goodnight.

Letter 0 - Some Good Ideas to Keep Up

I stumbled onto this idea, this blog. Said for the month of June the certain person was going to write a letter to a different person each day or a couple a day. I absolutely loved this idea and I'm hijacking it. Since I'm a person the tends to stick to his own pace I'm going to alter the idea. Instead of doing it each day for thirty days, I am going to do it here and there, but at the end there will be thirty letters regardless. I may skip a few days and blog about certain other topics but I am going to write a letter every so often to the person that appears on the list.

And here's the list.

Letter 1 — Best Friend
Letter 2 — Your Crush
Letter 3 — Your parents
Letter 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Letter 5 — Your dreams
Letter 6 — A stranger
Letter 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Letter 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Letter 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Letter 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Letter 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Letter 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Letter 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Letter 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Letter 15 — The person you miss the most
Letter 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Letter 17 — Someone from your childhood
Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Letter 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Letter 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Letter 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Letter 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Letter 23 — The last person you kissed
Letter 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Letter 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Letter 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Letter 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Letter 28 — Someone that changed your life
Letter 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Letter 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I'll do the first letter tonight, to my best friend. I also decided that, if need be, I'll write an explanation before each letter.

I'm really looking forward to a couple of these letters, and some really scare me.

But until tonight,  

Give Me a Reason to Respond

Not many things really bother me, but one thing really does. Just because it has absolutely no relevance in my life. It makes nothing better, nothing worse. It is just completely pointless.

Those one word, meaningless text messages I get from random people throughout the day.

I'm not talking about those one word text messages that you get from you significant other which pretty much means you've screwed up somehow.

I'm not talking about the little "I love you"s or the "I miss you"s. Those I really enjoy.

I'm talking about they "hey what's up"... "nothing I'm bored"..."just at the grocery store".

I'm really sorry, I really don't care. Why did you text me. Do you want to see me? Do you want to know about my life? Is there an issue you want me to listen to because I am all ears? No? Why did you text me?

I pay for unlimited text messages, I don't even mind the time it takes me to take out my phone and respond, but I don't really know what to say to "I'm at the grocery store" Did you find twenty dollars and want to split a burrito at Chipotle?

I don't get people sometimes.

I remember back when I was at ODU I met this girl named, lets call her Amanda. She was a cool girl, seemed really into me. Very pretty girl and I remember the first time I saw her she walked right up to me said I was cute and give me a nice kiss. Quite random at a populated party but refreshingly real. I like that in a girl. You probably going to take that as "Camron likes sluts who kiss him the first time they see him at parties." No that's not it at all. I like how she was real about thinking I was attractive and not being one of the girls that I can't figure out to save myself. Much to my dismay she changed into one of those girls. Later she would flirt with me in person, one on one, but around other people she sort of changed. Hard to explain it but she just got extremely weird, almost anti Camron. Hey, maybe I'm just one of those guys that girls like to keep on the down low.

I don't get that.

I've been talking to this one girl recently, nothing serious, just talking. I took this vow that I'm not going to really hook up with a girl till it means something. So far I've been doing pretty well at it. I told this girl this and she was all about it. When we hung out all she wanted to do was kiss me and try to get with me. I declined surprisingly and haven't heard from her since.

I don't get that.

The same girl was posting comments on my wall a couple weeks ago. They were cute comments that made me feel like someone cared again. It was fun to read comments like that again. One night, late, a girl that ended it with me a few months back called me asking about the comments and who's the girl. I explained to her the circumstance and she said she was jealous. This is the girl that I really had no idea why she ended it with me. She now tells me shes jealous, I'm so confused.

I don't get that.

This picture makes sense.

But for tonight, goodnight.

I Tend to Breakdown

I've been listening to Enter Shikari none stop. I'd just like to let everyone know.

I love to breakdown. My music taste is very much pointing to a hardcore sense. I love bands that get into it and breakdown. I love to mosh at a great show and get physical with the guy right next to me just to shake hands afterwords in complete awe of the show. I saw Asking Alexandria and We Came As Romans a little less than a month ago and it was absolutely amazing. If you don't like this kind of music, I'm very sorry. You are missing out. There's a sense of power in a good breakdown, sometimes followed by an even more powerful solo. Breakdowns in the beginning, in the middle, in the end. It's an amazing time of the song just to go crazy and express who you really are. Throw a fist, hit the guy next to you by accident. Dance like a complete fool, its acceptable, hell I do it all the time. Electro break downs are fantastic in their own way. Do a quick two step and move like you're embarrassed to. It's acceptable.

As much as I love talking about music, and how easy it flows out of me I want to talk about another kind of breakdown. An emotional breakdown.

I'm debating whether or not to write about this, because no one knows this about about me. This blog is supposed to chip away at the wall I put around myself, and just express honesty so here I go.

From time to time, I have some intense emotional breakdowns. I cry. When I start it just all comes out, and I'm sorry for the people around me because it looks pretty pathetic. I just let tears loose and sometimes for the most minuscule reasons.

Yesterday I broke down. It all came out, everything happening with my community service and this probation. The fact I don't have money to rely on, that I'm a nuisance to my parents. I don't have much of a social life and I just don't function like I used to. I defined myself as a party boy, and whats a party boy who doesn't party do? I spend the majority of my time sitting at my computer, watching old episode of girly television shows. (Yes, I watch many, not just because the girls are quite attractive, but because I really enjoy watching them. Ask me about it, the list of shows I watch goes for awhile.)

I broke down for a small reason yesterday. It was because I wanted a spicy chicken sandwich and didn't get it. I sound like a four year old kid, crying over a spicy chicken sandwich, but I guess the best reason I can to explain it is that I've given up so much, why must I give up my weekly chicken sandwich. God I love that spicy chicken sandwich so much. Its so much built up, and that spicy chicken sandwich just put it over the top.

Its very embarrassing. But that is the way I express myself once in a blue moon. I don't want to give the impression that I'm a cry baby and that if things don't go my way the spoiled brat inside of me goes crazy till I do. But I do breakdown every once in awhile. It sucks but it happens.

Somethings I can change about who I am, but other things I just can't. I think this is one of them, sometimes it really just needs to come out.

But for tonight, goodnight.

Takes a Toll on a Guy

I'm overly upset today. It may be because I don't enjoy my Psychology class, it may be because I don't understand why my father is upset with me.

One of the biggest flaws that I have is my ability to blatantly lie to my father. I try to earn his trust, his forgiveness and his acceptance almost everyday. Sometimes I think to myself is it worth it. When he wakes me up from a nap to say did you call your probation officer instead of how was class or how was your day, it really bugs me. I am in no position to ask for anything of my father but its just really hard living to achieve for him.

Sometimes I just want to say screw it and give up. Trust me, I am aware that this is not the best idea. But its just that feeling inside of me that wants to quit, just throw everything out and leave.

Its just a struggle, I'll live. Probably be better for it.

I want to ask my father about a concert on my birthday. I'd love to bring in the big 2-0 watching Silverstein, We Came As Romans, I Set My Friends On Fire, Dance Gavin Dance, Sky Eats Airplane, and Emery. Its at Rams Head. Get tickets.

I grew up in the 90s but never really got into music until this new century. If your anything like me you started out with those pop cool bands like Simple Plan and Good Charlotte. This may sound cliche but I literally feel like half those whiny kids singing those songs and complaining about everything wrong in their nice suburban lives. It really sucks to make the realization. I became a whiny kid. I'm going to go play D A and Em in perfect harmony with my whiny voice and put out an album complaining about my Mom, Dad, and other authority figures. Wait, its not 2001 anymore. Gosh darn it.,

I do have some good news, I've made nothing but As at Nova so far. It excites me.

I need a job. Please tell me if you know of any. Maybe I'll work in DC if I get to talking with my cousin. That would be nice.

I'm extremely tired, physically, emotionally. I just need everything to stop. Not because I'm doing a lot everyday, but just the weight all this has over me. It really drags someone down. Add no emotional support from a significant other, or much to look forward to socially. I've learned that it tends to takes a toll on a guy.

But for tonight, goodnight.

Mamma's Boy

First of all I would like to apologize for not keeping up the past couple days. I was working on this blog post because this one is probably going to be the one that really, truly, means the most to me. I'm going to start it off with a little story though. Seems right in my eyes.

I came home a couple months ago. First thing I did when I got home was give my mom a huge hug. That's pretty much what I always do when I first come home after being away for awhile, unless my mom is the one bringing me home. In that case she gets a huge hug when I first see her pull up.

I have put an incredible amount of stress on my family these past few months. With being back home, taking me places, and just having to deal with me and what I bring to the table, it isn't an easy task. I doubt it is even a enjoyable task half the time. I'm a fun guy to hang around with, but really, who wants me around 24/7.

Out of all this the one that has had my back religiously, even though she doesn't always think I know and plays off like she doesn't, is my mother. Both my mother and father are crazy for dealing with me for this long. But they love me and they care about the person I become. Both have gone completely out of their way to help me get through this thing that I have brought on myself. But I'd like to focus on my mom.

To continue with this story, mother's day happened a couple weeks ago. I asked my mom before hand what she would like for mother's day and she replied saying she would like nothing. So being a guy, I said hey I got off easy. No transportation, no money, I don't have to get anything this year. Boy was I wrong. A few days after mothers day my aunt came over and  my mother purposely brought up a flower in a cream cheese bucket. She explained to my aunt that she bought it for mother's day for herself because no one else got her anything. No one got her a card or a flower or anything. She did this right in front of me making me feel ridiculously guilty, which I should feel.

This is my attempt of a mother's day gift.

Mom, for one, I love you. You have always been there for me, thick and thin, bad and good. The tears and the smiles, I love that you haven't given up on me. You have told me stories about your pregnancy to me many times over. How you and dad prayed for a son, that acted like you and looked like dad. HEY LOOK you got what you wished for. I'm sorry I'm such a handful. I remember you telling me how many times you would blast music in your car while I kicked in your belly. You didn't think it would come back and haunt you did you? Sorry that I listen to music at obnoxious volumes blaring out of my room. I remember you telling me all the different things your craved during pregnancy. I'm sorry for coming home every day asking what to eat, I really do enjoy your cooking. It is by far the best, in the world. Mom, I'd really like to explain to you why I think your perfection wrapped into an amazing woman. Mom you fun and I love that I can talk to you about pretty much anything under the sun. I love that we can laugh and tell jokes to each other, even if we don't see eye to eye on every issue. I love how you try and brag about the good qualities I do have to family and friends, although the few qualities are growing quite scarce. I love how you got me into so much of the things that I am now interested in. I love how you guided me and helped me through everything that I've done in life. Mom you really helped me grow and I will always try and live up to what you believe I can achieve. And again, I'm sorry for falling short in many places. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for everything, and I love you, even if I screw up and you question if I do or not. I can be a stupid kid sometimes and make some incredibly dumb decisions. I'm happy you've always been there to help me out when I'm down but I don't plan on being down for much longer. I can't wait for the day that you watch me graduated, get a real job, plan my life accordingly, come home and see you and say "Look I made it." And I love you for knowing that its going to work out for me.

I think you'd like this.

From the bottom of my heart Mom, I love you.
Happy Mother's Day, although extremely late. It means the same none-the-less.

For tonight, goodnight.

P.S. We are dancing to Meatloaf on a coffee table at my wedding (when I have one, no rush) I don't care if anyone has a problem with it. Its happening.