Stars

I walked outside with the intention of figuring out what I was going to write about tonight. I could hear the music playing in my bedroom, thinking about how I really didn't care that it was late. People walking past my window every night can have a little bit a good music pressed into their minds for the evening. Not many people get that opportunity to actually listen to good music with all the crap circling through the pop airwaves. Sorry Justin Bieber, your just not good.

To get back to what I was actually going to write about, I looked up. I tend to always look up when I think. I don't understand why, but I don't understand a lot of things. Like why people spell "a lot" "alot". Its wrong.


I looked up at the stars. I love the stars. The first thing that came to mind was that it really sucks to live in an area with so much urban light. The stars are completely faded. I got to feeling depressed, that the kids in the middle of no where in Montana or something could see millions of stars while I'm stuck with only a handful. A beautiful handful I must say, but still only a handful.

That is the wrong way to think. Why do I wish that I could see more stars? Why don't I just appreciate the stars that I do see. That's how wrong I am, that's how wrong everyone is. So many people don't appreciate the things they have and its sad. I've read on Facebook and other blogs and such, everyone is complaining. I think I have a lot of room for complaining, and in no way am I saying I don't complain, but I shouldn't, at all.  There's always those kids in New York City, that can't see any.

I have no car, no girlfriend, no job. I basically got kicked out of college, leaving many of my friends behind. I live most days behind my computer, or fixing a mop to clean a place where people go to AA meetings everyday. I got charged for drinking a a couple beers in college, while there are kids overdosing on e, I'm doing community service for drinking a beer. I think I have room to complain when compared to the average nineteen year old, but I shouldn't. I'm going to stray away from the common conformist.

Like spring time dating. Why does everyone feel the need to be in a relationship the instant the sun is a little closer to the earth. Do you forget about all the different women in bikinis? Why commit now for gods sakes? Who knows why people do what people do.

"Why the hell is life so complicated? Someone explain."

"Homework  :( ugh so much. it sucks"

I mean I'm not one to stalk but those were the last two status updates that I saw. I'm not trying to sound like a mom trying to feed her kid the crust of their PB&J but there are starving kids in Africa who relay on a simple net to keep them alive. Theirs teens, in your country that have lost a dear friend today, from suicide, from drunk driving, from overdosing, from foul play.

Our lives are good.

My life is good.

The sooner I truly realize this, I'll be much happier. Embrace the fact that all I'm doing is 150 hours of community service and not burying my friend, or my brother. That someone I know hasn't been diagnosed with a terminal disease. I'm not going to permanently paste a smile on my face, but I'm going to feel better about the things I do everyday. I'm not going wonder why I don't have someone to watch the sunrise with, but to be able to watch the sunrise for a new day. A great day.

For tonight, goodnight.

Is It What I Want?

I laid down on my drive way and looked up. That's what I do when I have no idea what I want to write about. More or less, I want to write about something significant, I don't want to just inform you that I had a good day. I want to tell you a little about me. Telling you that I walked my dog and went for a jog because I think I am getting far too heavy has no real significance in the broad scheme of things. So I thought why not take you for the roller coaster ride of my mind, but not my whole mind. That would be far too boring for the random people who end up looking at this blog. No, I'm going to say a few things about what I truly want out of my life. Then again, you can categorize me with ninety-nine percent of the nation's youths because I really have no idea what I want, so I'll tell you a couple of my dreams.

What I do know, I'm great with people. I was blessed with charisma, and a great social ability so I do know that I want a career dealing with people. Lets stray away from my career based dreams for the moment though.

I always dreamed of being in a family. Leading a family. Being a father, being a husband. I don't want to rush this dream though, I just know that is something out of life that I do want and dream of. I want to wake up in my bed in the morning, with a woman that I love. Go down my hallway and peak into my child's bedroom to make sure he, or she, is sleeping well. I want to walk to my refrigerator and make my family breakfast. I want to set a timer on my coffee machine, I want to live that life. I'm a morning person, can you tell?

I've also always dreamed of a career in music. Now do I think this will ever happen? No. My guitar skills are average while my vocal skills are less then that. I'm a lyricist, that basically all I have going for me. But who knows? I always dreamed of being on stage, with fans. The life of touring seems to appealing to me, a different crowd, a different city everyday. Think of all the amazing people you would meet. I just think of all the people I could prove wrong. All the people that told me that it would never happen, not in my wildest of dreams. But its still a dream, yet their probably right.

I wait to feel your breathe 

I walk to hold your hand

I smell to catch the scent of your hair

I lay to hold you 

I listen to hear you heartbeat

I love to love you

- Cam

I really want to be taken seriously. A lot of the people that see me now-a-days don't really see me. They see the image that I have portrayed for the last few years of my life. They see a partier, a fun guy. They see a guy that would never settle down and being with a girl. They don't see me. I wasn't me. 

I've been thinking about careers lately. I think I would be an excellent event planner. You know, someone that sets ups events for corporations and associations, dinners and banquets and those sort of things. I have a plan for that. 

I would start in DC. My cousin told me she would help me get a job and shadow another event planner that she is very close friends with. When I turn twenty-one, I could bar tend on the side and save up money, while making connections, to start my own event planning business. If my business succeeds, I could do what I have always wanted to do. Start up my own place. 

I have so many ideas that would thrive in the community that I live in. 

I want to be a billionaire. 

Does anyone want to give me a billion dollars? 

How about a million? No? Didn't think so. 

Someday one of my dreams will come true. I don't know which one, but I am sure one will. I mean whats the point in dreaming if none of them ever come true. I don't think my dreams are way too far out there, Well maybe the rock star one is.

Who knows right?

We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth,
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down.
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
That works harder than my heart.
And its all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
Oh it hurts to be this good.

- Brand New

^^^^ Probably the best lyrics ever. 

Just saying

But for tonight, goodnight.

Lets Open This Shizz!!

A couple of days ago I opened my pool. The pool had been closed all winter long and right when I unlatched the first buckle of the pool cover I saw the bright blue of the water that has been untouched for months. I thought to myself "how beautiful". Think about it. The pool got to take months and months of a break to be opened up in warm weather so that people could have fun in it all season. I am so envious.

Friday night I drank for the first time since I've been at college. I went out with zero intention to drink, but because of other occurrences, I decided to throw a few cold ones back. A few cold ones turned into a lot of cold ones. I called my parents to tell them that I had been drinking to hear their extremely displeased voices on the other end of the phone line. This lead to a Breathalyzer when I finally came home. Instead of the .08 or .09 that I was expecting, it was a .16. I think it was increasing too.

My parents aren't the most lenient of parents. They have some strict rules. I'm 19 years old so something they really can't fight. My mother smokes cigarettes, so to tell me not to would be quite ridiculous, although they do tell me not to do it in the house and to do it while they aren't looking, understandable in my eyes. I'm also not supposed to drink a drop. Since I'm back at home because of a "drinking problem" I understand that too. But sometimes, I just don't want to understand it.

I'm a 19 year old who had just experience living on my own for the first time. No rules, no regulations. If I wanted to stay up till dawn on my back deck looking at the sun rise with a girl, with a cigarette in my right hand and a beer in my left, I did. All three, the girl, the cigarette, and the beer, aren't exactly allowed right now for me. Its just a hard transition, and all I want to do is say sorry that I screwed up, and that I really am trying my hardest to keep under control for the first time in my life.

Sometimes they just don't listen.

PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN

Everyone is judged, but I feel like I've been judged in a very unpleasant manor. People who know me, I mean really know me, love me. People who don't, don't seem to understand me and tend to not like me. Everyone goes by what other people say. That guy plays girls, that girls a slut, that guy is such a Jesus freak, that girl doesn't give out, that guy is a nerd, that girl is stuck up. Why can't people give people a break.What if that guy that you don't talk to because of the rumor you hear is your soul mate? Or your new best friend? What if that girl you don't think is amazingly attractive is quite possibly the coolest person in the world to you? I just think people need to give people a break, like my pool.

Winter Summer Winter Summer

Years and I'm still the same person 

Spring Fall Spring Fall 

Years and I'm still fighting 

Winter Summer Winter Summer

Years and I can't stop thinking of you

Spring Fall Spring Fall

Years and I haven't taken a break

-Cam 

My pool rests for 6 months of the year. Just sits there and rests. No body is bothering it or telling it what to do. No one is telling it to get a job or start taking classes. No one is telling it to find a girl friend or to stop being a whore. No one is telling it to be a good pool. Everyone gives that pool a break because they know that when its opened, its going to give everyone a great time. People are going to swim in to, run and jump into it, dive into it, play in it. People are going to enjoy a great summer with it. The pool even understands when you pee in it.

I want a break, wrap me up for the next winter. Look forward to me being unwrapped. I want a break.

I need a break.

I won't get one, just isn't my time yet. 

But for tonight, goodnight.

Things I Hate The Most

So,

I hate a lot of things.

I mean I don't really think I'm a hateful person, but who doesn't hate every once and awhile. Your lying if you say you don't hate anything.

I'm listening to Blue October, song is You Make Me Smile.



Ironic eh?

I'm going to categorize my hate into one main topic, Fake.
-I hate people who are fake.
-I hate girls who say their not pretty when they know they're gorgeous.
-I hate guys who are just friends with you so they can talk to your girlfriends
-I hate parents that say no for no reason
-I hate people who lie
-Its not that I hate hate the liars, because lets be honest for a second, everyone
lies. Its that I hate the stupid lies.
-I hate the lies about your age.
-I hate the lies about your past.
-I hate the lies about your ex relationships.
-I hate the lies about you, give me the real you.
-I hate when you tell me things and do other things.
-I hate fake, I really hate fake.

Now that I got all of my hate on fake out, here are some other things...

-I hate people who judge.
-I hate cream soda, I really hate cream soda.
-I hate Justin Bieber
-I don't hate him, just the rage about him. Your not going to be good when you hit puberty buddy.
-I hate expectations
-I hate deadlines
-I hate conformists
-Do what you want, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, unless its murder or something to that extent.
-I hate stubbornness
-I hate being alone
-I hate waiting
-I hate traffic
-I hate cabbage
-I hate rumors
-I hate people who tell me I'm going to die when I smoke a cigarette
-THANK YOU I'M LIVING IN THIS CENTURY I KNOW

I don'tmean to be a negative person, I just really hate somethings. I think my list is smaller than most people.

I love a lot more, and I want to love a lot more than I already do.

I use a wallet for your mouth
So when you bite you will not bleed
I drilled a wire through my cheek
And let it down and out my sleeve
And now you’re pulling out the best of me
Yeah which never ever comes
This wire is all that’s left of me
And its hooked within my gums, within my gums

-Blue October

Relationship?!?! DOUBLE YOU TEE EEEFFFF

Yeah okay, I wanted to write about relationships but its going to be extremely hard for me to do so since I don't even understand my own point of view on them. Do I like them? Do I want one?

See all throughout high school I became accustomed to being in a relationship, or I should say relationships. Yet all throughout college it has been the extreme opposite. So I really do not know.

What is a relationship?
People pretending to be married? People pretending to care? Or maybe they actually do care, but care for what? I think we can all come to the conclusion that when you first meet a girl and think to yourself "Hey shes pretty cool, I might want to date her." they don't think of the outcome of that thought. The outcome that almost all relationships come to an end. Very few relationships, in the grand scheme of things, end in marriage. By this I mean, look at married people. The person they married, usually, isn't the first person they ever dated. So I'll do a little guesstimation. Lets say, for this purpose only, everyone gets married and doesn't get a divorce ever. Lets also say that everyone dated 5 people before they got married. that means that 1/6 of the people that you hung out with in a girlfriend boyfriend manor doesn't mean anything in the long run. So in saying that instead of thinking "Hey shes pretty cool, I might want to date her." you should be thinking "Hey shes pretty cool. I might want to marry her." right? I mean isn't that what dating is supposed to be like, a trial run for marriage.

Or maybe its not. Maybe its just to have the illusion that you are loved for a little bit. I know I would love that illusion right about now.

So in no way shape or form am I saying I think relationships are bad. I just don't really understand them.

FOR EXAMPLE: I've dated a couple really awesome girls in my past. They were gorgeous, funny, great to be around, and we shared so many great moments. Now, I barely talk to half of them. Is it worth it? Is it the months of being together and having a fantastic time worth the eternity of not talking? This excludes the painful endings. The heart breaks and the feeling of hollowness the takes months and months to get over isn't particularly fun. I look back at my relationships and literally become sad because I can't have those feelings anymore. Is it worth it? Is it worth it if it isn't forever?

I met this girl, I'll call her Annabel. She seems really perfect. We chat on Facebook all the time. We hang out every now and then, party a little bit. Everything about her attracts me to her. Shes got a great sense in music, and piercings and tattoos. (which I am a total sucker for) I think to myself, I could date her. And I totally believe that we could have a great time, share those little but amazing moments together. Riding in the front seat blasting music singing at the top of our lungs. Laying down holding hands and just taking it all in. Dancing to a slow song while her heads on my shoulder. Waking up every morning to a good morning. Going to bed every night with a goodnight. But is it worth never talking to her again after 6 months or a year or 3 years. I just don't know. And for that my tongue isn't going to tell her how I feel. At least for the time being.

I wrote a poem, or its lyrics. I haven't really fit it to music yet so I will call it a poem.

We just want something different, different things, Different reasons, I want someone to say good morning to, someone to say goodnight to, I want to have a first kiss, stupid fights, I want a reason to look at my phone again, I want a reason to say I love you again, so this is me telling you it's not you it's me.

-Cam

When I came back from college I started something with an old ex. At first, she was all about being with me. I've know her for years and it was great to connect with her again. I fell for her hard. Well I don't know if falling for her are the right words. Lets say the feelings came back extremely fast. I was happy again for the first time in a very long time. But it ended swiftly, for reasons I am still confused about. Before we sparked things up, we talked quite a bit. Every now and then we would spend an hour on the phone catching up. Laughing and having a great time just listening in through the airways. Now, all there is a slew of one word texts and saying there's an occasional call would be heavily exaggerating.

Is it worth it?

Your face is in my flashbacks, your scent still stains my bed, your smile brings me to my knees while your lips crush my dreams, your eyes pierce my heart and your breath still gives me shivers, why are your tears still soaking my shoulder, you broke my heart remember

-Cam

So for all those in a relationship, I really hope, from the bottom of my heart, that it works out. For all those who aren't, I hope you find a good one, and one that lasts. In my eyes, love is the best and yet the most painful feeling a human can possibly possess. Is it worth it?

For tonight, Goodnight

Lets Go Crazy

So I know my last post was on the depressing side last time, so I plan to share a little bit of my musical sense with you today. See I was the type of kid that started dancing before he walked. Always had an extreme passion for music. My mother would tell me that when ever she would blast the music in her car I wouldn't stop kicking :). So from the womb to dancing of the coffee table with a tie wrapped around my head to Meatloaf at age 4, up until now, music is life.

Lately though, I've been getting into a lot of hardcore and electronic music.

Don't get me wrong I love the classics, but there's nothing better than thrashing to a good hardcore band, leaving the concert battered and bruised, with a hell of a black eye.

Recently, I missed two of the best concerts of the year, which I am utterly pissed about. Last year, I ended with Brand New one night, and about a week after saw The Devil Wears Prada with All That Remains and Story of the Year. Talk about a couple of sick concerts. But last couple weeks A Day To Remember, a band I still haven't seen in a smaller venue. played with Silverstein, Enter Shikari and August Burns Red. All my friends posted up videos and told me how crazy it was. I'm still pissed I missed it :-/. But about a week before that I missed Attack Attack with Breathe Carolina, FML right. Whats the point in living area where sick shows come all the time and your just unable to go.

Eh Whatever

Shows come and go right?

SOOOO

Ive been getting into a few new bands lately.

Whatout! Theres Ghosts, great band. If you like light screaming and heavy electronic beats.

Breathe Carolina came out with a great new CD. Hello Fascination rips it.

I've also been getting into We Came As Romans and Asking Alexandria, if you like hardcore music defiantly check them out.

Uh lastly The Word Alive, For those of you that know who Craig Mabbitt is, he is the lead singing and ultimately the guy the guy who destroyed Escape The Fate, and helped blessthefall, by leaving. Well he started a project, The Word Alive, and then left. After he left the band got ridiculous :) Listen to their Empire EP, again only if you wanna :)


So to wrap out I just wanted to put out my musically preference lately. If you got any suggestions or stuff I should listen to hit me up :)

Little Something About Me

So tonight, I was having a cigarette while sitting in my drive way looking up at the stars. Now I don't know about most smokers but if I'm alone having a cigarette the only thing I do is think. I thought about my life, how its just not really working for me right now. I thought about my dreams. how they just aren't getting fulfilled, how I'm not working toward them at all. I guess that's why I started a blog. A simple step to try and fulfill one of my many many dreams. So here it is. This blog is just going to run you down the simple things and occurrences of my life. I have so many ideas running through my head, so many thoughts, that I think it would be a total waste not to write them down. So each night, hopefully, I am going to write you a little something about me, about my life, about my day. I don't know who is going to read this, and I don't know if this is going to help me get out of the fake little shell that I put myself into. But who knows right? Maybe it will help me get back on track. Maybe it will help someone else get back on track. But for tonight, I'm going to give you a little history lesson of the past few months of my life and how crazy unlucky the road has been.

So I'm a student at Old Dominion University, at least I used to be. I was studying for a major in partying and a minor in women... seriously. See I always told myself that I would go to class at the beginning of each semester. But no, after a couple weeks I would just give up. I had so much more satisfaction partying, interacting with other people and, frankly, going utterly crazy. During my first semester I pledged a fraternity, haha yes my first stop on my highway to dropping out. This pretty much introduced me to the life of partying and not giving a rats ass. After a slew of drunken black out nights and questionable decisions I got to sophomore year. Now let me just clarify, I do not mean credit wise, I just mean year wise. I decided to basically con my folks into helping me rent a place on the party street at the ODU campus. I did this with a group of four other guys that were also members of my fraternity. So it was a glorified bachelors pad. We spent all summer drinking the nights away, listening to music and playing beer pong with our close friends. After awhile I realized that throwing parties could be a nice little investment. I take out money from my own pocket and buy kegs, liquor, etc. After that I would charge each guy 5 dollars and the ladies were free, of coarse :). Now I could double, even some nights triple, my money so I had a nice little gig going for me. The Norfolk and Old Dominion Police didn't think so though. Over the next couple months I accumulated three charges of underage possession of alcohol, one charge of obstruction of justice, and another civil charge of disorderly house. This led to 150 hours of community service, ASAP class, and a whole semester of living with my parents at my house up north. Talk about buzz kill. So for drinking a few beers in college, well sorry okay over 1000 in a two year span, I got my ass kicked my the po po. Haha looking back I guess i kind of deserved it. Well after living at home for a couple months I got a nice little call from one of my roommates saying there is an arrest warrant out for me. I was so confused, for the first time in FOREVER I was abiding my the law. I got a little information and supposedly I obstructed justice thousands of miles away while eating a nice dinner at a local country club with my family. At this point I barely go out, the girl that I was kind of seeing fell out of contact for reasons I still don't understand and life in general was just not throwing me a bone.

Today McDonald's wasn't selling McFlurrys on the hottest day of the year so far.

I mean really life just hasn't been throwing me a bone.

So again, back to me sitting on the driveway smoking my cigarette. I just looked up at the sky. I thought to my self, who else is looking up at the sky. Is there a rock star? How about a writer? A lyricist? A poet? What about a guy that knows he has a girl that loves him? A guy who knows his parents trust him?

I feel so old and so close to my dreams, but then again, so far.

I know this is probably not going to get read, who knows, but for tonight, goodnight.