Street Lights On A Terrible Night

I'm just going to ramble, for your entertainment purposes. Get a kick out of it, steal a line or two.

People say to me through clouded walls how much they despise me. That really doesn't make me feel good. It could be one of two things. Either people hate me for no reason, or people hate me for a concrete reason. I'm guessing that its the second of those two choices. I guess I'm not the best person in the world, I'm not Mother Teresa, but I try. I don't try to be a saint, hell, I sin. I sin a lot. There's an amazing line from Little Nicky, "Sin Is Fun." God I love Adam Sandler. Basically, give me a break, I'm only human.

These past few weeks have been dull and depressing to say the least.

Tonight I realized that my biggest achievement in life, and pretty much the sole achievement in my life, is that I graduated High School with an advanced diploma. That depressed me.

When I feel lonely, I tend to cling onto memories of the past. I think about me and Jade, I think about me and Dani, I think about me and Stephanie, I think about me and Sammi, I think about me and Anna. Then I pop in a disc of One Tree Hill and watch how characters act what I portray as great couples. I'm such a girl sometimes.

On the upside, only a couple more days of probation, and I'll be a free man. I was talking to my mother tonight, and came to a conclusion. The reason I've been sober for past six months is because if I'm caught not being sober I'll be thrown in jail. Now when I'm not on probation and I get caught, I won't be thrown into anything, but rather out of my house. I want to find a girl to enjoy some sobriety with for the next year or so. That would make things easier.

Riddle me this. If a girl likes you, should she sleep with one of your best friends. I found out tonight that it is a valid decision. Its this new thing, like a right of passage. A girl must sleep with best friends before enjoying a tasteful relationship with a man. Just kidding, it just blows my mind.

Have you ever noticed how poetic a street light is when your tired and emotional. The light is small, and bright. There is an elliptical glow to it, that just surrounds that light, a kind of protection if you will. The lower your eye lids become, the brighter this glow gets. Small light strands shoot from the glow and light up an imaginary line across the dashboard. It makes it feel like everything this is cool, things can only get better because that light is fucking beautiful. Then you look over and realize the company you are sharing. Might as well turn off that street light.

Seems like a common occurrence in my life, street lights just love to go off.

I know I haven't been writing lately, and the letters will continue. I promise I won't make it a habit. It's just been really tough lately. I got sick and life loves to through fender benders my way. I don't even drive and I'm still accident prone.

Much love,

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 15 - The Person I Miss The Most

First off I just like to apologize for how many times that I change the subject of the topic to benefit me. For example when I wrote a letter to my crush, I wrote it to all the girls that I think are attractive, because I really can't focus on one girl I have feelings for right now, she doesn't exist. The person I miss the most, I miss so many people, how can I even think about focusing on one person. So I'm going to do this.

Dear Ex Life,

I miss partying, and freedom. I miss all my college friends that didn't have a care in the world and were brought together for one focus, to have fun. It almost always involved alcohol, and other drugs of sorts, but one common goal, to forget the past week and focus on the next. I miss playing beer pong with my fraternity brothers, listening to our favorite songs over and over again. I miss chilling on my deck with hundreds of other people, knowing that in some sort of way, I got them all together.

I miss long talks, about how life is going to be alright. I miss sitting out in front of my house, watching people walk down the road. I miss seeing my friends every single day, I miss having something to do all the time. I miss the girls, oh how I miss the girls.

Most of all I miss the freedom. I miss being able to have a cigarette at three in the morning, without having to crawl out my window trying not to wake anyone. I miss being able to invite special people over, anytime I wanted, to do certain things. I miss not having to ask anyone if I wanted to go out.

I miss drinking, I miss having a reason to be stupid. I could fall on my face, get up, say I'm fine, and blame it on the booz.  I miss having BAC competitions with my roommates, I miss beating them at BAC competitions. Yes, this means we had a breathalyzer and we competed on who could blow higher. I miss partying, I miss being close to all my friends.

I miss being as skinny as I was.

I know this sounds quite hypocritical of me. Saying I miss all these things. If you didn't know, I quit drinking, and partying. I'm trying to walk the right path for once in my life. That doesn't mean I don't miss it. It kind of means I miss it more.

I'll get my freedom back one day, and I'll party like I used to. Hopefully way more responsibly.

You ex self,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight

Letter 14 - Someone I've Drifted From

Dear Dani,

We talked today on the phone, but I had you name picked for this letter for awhile now. I don't think a simple phone call is going to change the fact that we have drifted away incredibly. Its extremely regrettable in my eyes, and I wish it didn't happen, but hey that's life.

I looked up the definition for best friend up online, see what other people thought.

The first one says this - The one friend who is the closest to you.

I hate that answer, because its rare to have exactly one best friends.

The next one is asked, "What is the definition of "best friend" because I have more than one? Is it possible to have more than one best friend?" and the reply was " Yes, you can have tons of best friends, I do. A best friend is a person you can trust, someone you can tell your secrets to and they can keep it a secret, someone to cheer you up when you're sad and someone that's always there for you."

I like that one a lot better. According to that definition, we were definitely best friends in my eyes. Sure, we were romantic at time, and between you and me, I'll always have a little something something for you. But it sucks, to lose someone that you considered your best friend to something like a split up in an affectionate sense. You were someone that I could always talk to, and really enjoy talking to, although usually utterly flirty.

It always sucks to loose a relationship, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but you were one of my best friends. Did we hang out everyday, and do best friend things? No, but there was always emotional support from you, it really helped get me through some rough things.


Most of my relationships started with a kiss, or a holding of the hand. My relationship with you started with a friendship, one that I believed turned into a beautiful one. We used to stay up until wee hours in the morning talking about whatever our hearts concerned. We would argue, gracefully, and agree about most everything. Even when we weren't romantic, we still shared times, sitting in a car listening to music, or sitting on swings together, getting eaten alive my misquotes, talking about our current boyfriend and girlfriend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really regret not keeping as close to you over the years. I also regret not trying harder to get you to realize that even if we aren't together in a relationship, we can still be close friends. You know I wouldn't dream of compromising your relationship with your significant other, and I know you would never try to ruin any of my potential relationships.


And frankly if any girl told me I couldn't be friends with you because of jealousy, I'd tell her to get over it. I think you know I've done that once before, wouldn't hesitate to do it again.


You friend,
Cam


But for tonight, goodnight.

Ideas

Since I have ideas come to me during the day. If I'm lucking I text it to myself so I can write about it later. Since I'm really into writing these letters, I'd figure every so often I'll just throw up my ideas onto a quick blog that I can  look at later, and write and expand on.

-Vampires
-The zombie apocalypse
-Girls that get the wrong impression when you tell them exactly what to expect before sexual encounters.
-True friends / party friends
-My hookah bar business idea

I think those will be fun to write about.

Letter 13 - Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me

A lot of these letters should be to the same person. I could write this to my brother, or my parents. I could write this to many people, but some on the top of my list, are going to be written about, or have been written about. I know many people that I have wronged, and to grab on in particular would be a dishonor to the ones I wouldn't write to. To write to just one would be wrong, I need a lot of forgiveness, I haven't been the best person in many different cases. So I guess I'm sorry.

Dear Everyone,

This could be a letter telling you sorry for everything that I've done, or a beg for forgiveness, but it won't be just that. Do I ask for you forgiveness? Yes, with all my heart, but you know the wrongs I've committed to you, and a list of reasons why I am sorry isn't going to be very productive. More so an explanation to some of the the wrongs I've caused.

My lies, they tend to hurt people. For everyone that I have lied to, big or small, I hope you can forgive me. I lived in a bubble that I created for myself, a reality that I conjured for myself. Somethings I would say would be false, and untrue. It took a lot for me to change that, and I'm still working at it everyday. I believe I have worked it down to just bullshitting about little small things, equivalent to saying that you're at dinner when you're not to a telemarketer. Some people call it a white lie, but its still a lie. The only way to get better is to eliminate it all once and for all. It's much like an alcoholic, just one beer isn't okay for an alcoholic, neither is one lie for me. Like I said, I'm working at it, and it will go away.

Someday my life will be perfect, and there will be no reason to lie. That is what I strive for.

I guess everything that I've done wrong, one way or another, always tie back to how I lied. Mostly to my parents, but also to the girls I've hurt. The girls that see a relationship with me and I string them on until I get bored. It was an awful habit, and trust me, that, more than anything else, has been taken care of. I ask everyone I've hurt, in a romantic manor, for forgiveness.

I'm a flirt, it runs in the family I suppose. I'm sorry for everyone that gets the wrong impression. I don't mean to hurt you, or anyone.

Today I read an email from a girl in my psychology class, she asked if anyone could record the class that she will be missing, and that they would be compensated for it through cash. I responded to the email, said I could do it without compensation. I feel like if I start doing nice things, one by one, maybe my karma will change. I've done so much wrong to people, that I really need to start working on my right. I just hope I still have a chance to prove that I'm not the same person to my friends and the people I love.

To everyone I have lied to, or hurt, I am sorry, and beg for your forgiveness.

Your screw up,
Cam

But for tonight, I'm going to write a couple more.

Letter 12 - The Person That I Hate The Most

This letter stumped me, I do hate things, but I don't hate many people. For the most part I try to get over first impressions and look past mistakes. I forgive far too easy and let people in faster than I should. Some people call that a weakness, some people call it a curse. I think that if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have experienced half the things I have experienced. I guess, the people I hate the most, are haters. So this is for you haters.

Dear Haters,

I hate you. I despise that you hide behind anonymous posts and far spread rumors. I can't stand how you judge me, and make opinions about me before you give me the time of day. Sure, I'm an immature guy, I know that. You shouldn't jump to conclusions. So to each and everyone of you, the ones who called me gay, the ones that said I was a player, the one that pass me and laugh, I hate you.

I really can't pin point one of you that I hate the most, because you are all equally unimportant and pathetic in my book. To judge someone before you get to know them, its just wrong. I may not be the most attractive guy, or the most athletic, or the most creative, but I'm not the least either. I share a lot of love, with a lot of people, and frankly, your missing out. I feel sorry for you, I've gotten extremely close with some amazing people and they look past my faults, or confront my faults to me, to my face. Learn something from them.

I've said this before but I've put up a wall, a sort of cocoon that I hide behind. That wall is usually let down to the people who actually get to know me, so what right do you have to judge me, when you haven't gotten to know me, or even tried.

I went to college, I was a small fish in a big pond. I met new people, started a new life, become a new person. People still judge me, I guess you haters will always be around. I take it as a compliment, there must be a reason why you hate on me. Jealousy? I wouldn't understand why anyone would just purely hate me, I really don't cause many wrongs to people. If anything, I do my best to help my friends and acquaintances. Stop hating, put down your guard, get to know me. If you have something to say or critique then I'll listen, in a heartbeat, but don't waste your anonymous hate on ears that won't listen, because you don't deserve them to.

I ask you this haters, if you reading, confront me. Comment, send me a message on Facebook, don't hide behind anonymity, give me a name, and give me a reason why you hate me. I'd love to hear from you, and maybe answer why I act the certain ways I do. I bet none of you will, you are all fake and wrong. You make the world a worse place, with your misplaces rumors and incorrect judgements.

Not just on me, but on everyone else. Stop, love, don't hate.

I'll hate on the haters any day.

The guy you hate,
The guy who hates you,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.

Letter 11 - A Deceased Person I Wish I Could Talk To

The reason this blog is coming out so late at night is because I really couldn't think of anything. Most of these letters have been directed to people before my college experiences. I think that I was much more myself before I went to college, I was a lot closer to my friends before college, I was a better person. So naturally I thought of people that past away before I went to college and narrowed it down to my grandfather. The thing about that, though, is that I really don't know what I would share with my grandfather. We were never extremely close and he doesn't know the guy I grew to, he doesn't know the mistakes I've made. I didn't want to write a letter to him explaining who I am now to him, I'm sure he's watching over me and knows who I am.

This lead me to think forward to college. Last December one of my pledge brothers took his own life, and I miss him. There's a lot that was unsaid and there's a lot of questions I have for him.

Dear Ray,

What happened man, what made life take such a turn for the worst that you had to do what you did? I remember only a few days before I heard the news I texted you, saying happy Gamma Mu Day, and you replied wishing you were here with us. I told you next year, and you replied definitely.

I know you and me weren't the closest of pledge brothers, but you were like a big brother to me, and a lot of the other pledge brothers. You were older and, in a sense, looked over us. We called you grandpa for a reason, and it wasn't just your age.

You were a fantastic guy, and an even better brother. You stood strong in the trenches with us, and made it through without a hitch. It just really blows my mind.

Its the fact that you aren't around anymore. I've never lost someone, not the same way I've lost you. Like I said, I know we were not the closest of brothers, but I always thought you were going to be around. At least a phone call or text away. It just really sucks. We were a strong seventeen, and we will always be a strong seventeen, but one of the links, as strong as it was, left us, and made the chain a little shorter.

I was looking for pictures of us, and there really isn't any. I wish we took a good picture together Ray.

I'll always miss you.

Your brother,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.