Letter 20 - The One That Broke My Heart The Hardest

So I remember before that I wrote that I'm not looking forward to a couple of the letters that I'm going to have to write. This one is, by far, the one I was least looking forward to. To the people who know me and know my past, there is only one girl that fits this category in my life, there's only one girl that fits this slot. We dated for awhile, and after some time, because of a culmination of events, the relationship ended in a sour manor. I've said I love you to few girls in my life, and I don't think I ever meant it as much as I did with her.

Dear Jade,

We don't talk anymore, this is really hard for me to write because of that. I don't know if you will actually read this, but its out there and it scares me. It scares me because in my mind its pathetic to still have you in the back of my head. I've written letters to some people that I really didn't want to and this blog was supposed to get myself out there, with no more boundaries, so I'm not going to stop now, just because your name came up.

Let me just say that first of all this isn't me trying to get you back, or a way to try and be friends again. I'm a firm believer of fate and if we aren't talking, and haven't had a real conversation in two years, there is a reason for it. Again if that sounds hostile, it is not, and I'm sorry if it comes off that way.

On the subject of I'm sorry, there is a lot of things I do need to apologize for. I came to terms that when you and I were together, I acted quite childish and immature by the end of our relationship. I apologize for that, I'm not going to get into specifics, but there is a lot of things I should not have done. At the end, for some reason I kept hearing hope in your voice, a reason to stay together when it was not there. False hope, I'm sorry for taking things the wrong way, and for it ending like it did.

I feel like I don't know you anymore, but at the same time, I remember everything about you. Before this letter I said that there is not another girl out there that I have been with that I actually loved, not like you, and everyone has that girl, that first love. I guess you're mine.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I still think about you time to time. When I see you places, I still get that feeling in my stomach, I suppose that will never go away. You were a big part of my life, it may be a one sided feeling but when I look back at senior year and how much fun I had, a lot of it was because of you. I was talking to a friend awhile ago and he asked me what was the favorite show that I ever went to, I replied Kanye West. He was stunned, he asked me why, and he figured it would be a band that I like or a crazy metal show. I just said that it was one of the best times of my life, I was surrounded by people that I love, my cousins, my friends, good music, and you.

I think its the little things between you and me that make you come up in my mind from time to time. The hundreds of different moments we had. Again, this may sound pathetic, but I found myself comparing other girls to you. A bit of a bad habit, but you are the bases of what I want in a relationship. Since I was probably the happiest with you. 

Things happen for a reason, we stopped seeing each other for a reason. I just wanted to thank you. Thank you for making my senior year better, and giving me great memories. Thank you for being my best friend for a period of time and listening to me, being there for me. You're a great person Jade, and you destined to do great things, you have one hell of a personality, and time has only made you prettier.

Just a guy from your past,
Cam

But for tonight, goodnight.